Friday, March 9, 2012

Trying to be Normal

So my husband has been very encouraging in regards to my writing and blogging.  He has always been very encouraging of pretty much anything I do.  You get a gold star Juanito.  I know that as one of the only two people other than me who reads this little slice of the web, he was interested to see my recap of our fertility struggles.  I’ve marinated on it for a while.  What would I say?  What would be my tone?  How do I recapture the true feelings we had at each turn and bump or lack of movement forward?  Like most things I write about its either right there in my head and just don’t have someone to say the words to so I write about it.  Or it’s a thought or concept I’ve been thinking about and find the message or the angle I want to take.  So I thought with time I would know how to tackle that story.

So back in June 2011 I went to the OB/GYN for my annual and asked that I stop the birth control so that I could start charting.  This was not in an effort to get pregnant.  We still have condoms and like Juanito says, we haven’t pulled the goalie yet.  But I have read that after having children a woman’s hormone balance is all crazy. Since mine was all over the place before Levi I had to see what level of crazy are we dealing with here.  I debated this strategy with the nurse practitioner.  She also has PCOS and said to me “I’m ten years down the road, listen to me.”  And I have, kinda.  So when she conceded that I would go off birth control she did ask that I get tested for diabetes.  You see PCOS is a form of insulin resist and while it’s not guaranteed, there is a connection for women with PCOS to develop Type 2 Diabetes.  My mom had Type 2 and now has kidney disease and is in renal failure.  While we’re talking about paths, I feel like I’m her 25 years up the road.  The idea of having diabetes, or even being pre-diabetic was scary as hell.  So avoidance is best when face with what seems like the inevitable.

But I finally faced facts eight months later and decided that now is the time, do it or forever be sorry.  So I fasted and went in for the two hours of blood sugar testing as well as thyroid panels and cholesterol and triglycerides. The blood order was like a sushi order list with a bunch of rolls checked off.” I love me some spicey salmon roll!? And the sugar water I drank this time was the exact same as I did when I was pregnant but damn, it was NAS-TEE.  I thought I would puke a few times.  The lab tech told me not to or I would have to redo all of this.  Oh ok.

So I recently got the test results back.  While all of my other numbers are perfectly fine, my sugar is elevated.  I was for sure that meant I needed to go to my regular doctor who I see like once every two years.  But then the nurse what like we need to call in this prescription for you.  So I’ll cut out the whole confusing dialogue between me and the nurse in the reception area at the office and let you know that while my sugars are elevated they are normal range for someone who has PCOS.  Therefore they are putting me on Metformin (which I did before) to try and regulate my system.  YAY!  Such a relief!  Honestly, the call came on a day that I was getting rejection after rejection and really couldn’t handle any more bad news.  I wanted to cry and then eat a carrot to thank my body for not being Type 2.

So with time I did realize how I was going to tell the story of our infertility.  I won’t be able to capture all those thoughts and feelings.  I know that they are now blissfully hazy since we were ultimately blessed with our favorite mess.  So I can share with you the next journey. But, please note, that this does not mean that we’ve started the process to get pregnant.  We are not the lucky couple who gets drunk one weekend and ends up pregnant.  We are not the couple that says, “I think we’ll have a baby” and boom we’re are pregnant.  I am not the person who says “I haven’t had my period this month, I should take a test.”  That doesn’t happen here.  While we understand that, it’s hard when other assume you are.  So I will document the journey of trying to be normal like every other girl pass the average age of 14 who menstruates.  Along the way I will remember aspects from Levi’s journey.  Like the time they told us that Juanito’s sperm was all jacked up.  Or the first round of Clomid and how I thought murder made sense and other threw shit at people and I warned him.  I warned you Juanito!  But this time, it will be a different journey.  Hopefully a quicker one, but not as hard since we have Levi.

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