Sunday, December 18, 2011

Day Five

So while its Sunday and not technically a work day, the ever present impending doom of a zero bank account looms everyday....even the holy one.  I have a promising interview tomorrow.  I am praying to all things holy that it goes well.

On a similar note, we finally had a our son baptized today.  We put it off for many reasons but now its done and I feel better.  Not in a "so glad my baby is going to heaven now" feeling.  Its more of just a solid commitment that we made as a family.  And to know that those who were there are our supportive family and friends gives stability to our foundation.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Day One

So this is my first day of unemployment without the benefit of an unemployment check.  I took The Boy to daycare because we pay for the week so there is no savings by not going.  Also, he loves his friends there.  I sat with them this morning, since I had no where to go, and he thoroughly enjoys playing with his friends. After that I went out to my parent's house to tell them.  I felt like a kid telling them I broke Mom's boom box.  At 33 years old when will my head remember I am too old to be spanked (by my parents that is) or grounded? 

So now I am home slowly cleaning some stuff and wrapping a few gifts.  We've had a ton of rain the past few days, which means I have muddy paw prints allllll over my house.  So I swept, but since its still cloudy, potentially more rain and the backyard is still a mud pit, I  think I'll hold off on mopping. Big decisions I tell you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Never happy…

I recently got into a huge argument with my husband about never being happy with just being.  He is always talking about wanting to do something, go somewhere, buy something and I feel like this is a sign of discontent.  He thinks he is just sharing his interests and not an indication of his level of satisfaction as a person, husband or father.  While he is probably right, because who would know what he is feeling better than him, but it still heightens my level of anxiety.  Ok hold on this line of thought because I will piece them back together, later….

As I’ve briefly mentioned in the past, I worked in a little slice of hell.  You know how people will say, “Oh, I’m going to hell for XYZ” and people will respond with “you’ll be in good company” or something to that affect?  Well, I was in fine company but at the end of the day you’re still in hell and Satan is still your boss.  So I sought out a new job.  And eventually after a lot of work, I was offered a position with a caveat.  This position was with an international company with a huge financial backing and came with an increase in pay, but it was contract to hire.  So I weighed the options of staying in hell or moving on up to the dee-luxe apartment in the sky.  I took a leap of faith and made the change to the big company.  I’ve been here for five months now and boom….they sold the division I work for. 
The dust is settling a week after the announcement and the “real” employees are still reeling from the monumental change.  I am in a situation that felt isolated and contingent to start with due to the nature of the contract has only become more and more secluded.  The anxiety I have about the unknown is triple what it normally is.  I need a blanket of assurance that everything is going to be all right that I can wrap myself in.  I need a professional mom to stroke my hair and lovingly whisper, “It’s gonna be ok, this is how your story goes.”  Every change I’ve made in the past has led to bigger and better eventually.  I just need to know where I am in the process. 

I can play the “If” game until I stroke out in the bathroom.  Between the panic attacks and the heart palpitations I may have already done that.  In my personal life, we wanted to start trying to have a baby.  The plan had been to go to the new employer, get hired on permanently and then start the process to having another baby.  This little acquisition changed everything.  I can’t make a new plan without knowing what the hell I’m doing.  The planner in me wants to puke.  The child in me that needs to know what is going to happen for optimal behavior is having a temper tantrum.  
So tying this back to my husband...I feel like I’m never happy because I’m constantly changing things.

One hour later….
Oh the irony that I while writing this I got a phone call that I was let go.  Maybe its not me always changing things.  Anyone hiring?  

Saturday, November 12, 2011

My return

I have tried to sit down and write from my lap top, but it never flows well when my fingers are on home row.  But give me a spiral notebook and a fine point pen and away I go.  I guess I'm old school that way.

So I left my son for the first time for a little vacation to visit my sister in Michigan.  Other than the occasional overnight at Grandma's house, I have never left home in his 22 months of life.  When I first planned the trip I was so excited to leave.  Not only to visit my sister,my wonderful niece and my brand new nephew, but also to leave all of my responsibilities behind.  I just wanted to go somewhere were I wasn't mom, wife, employee.  But as my departure day drew near I had these feelings of finality.  I found myself saying to my son to hug mom one last time.  How jacked up is that??

Any ways, once I got to the airport and on the plane I was fine.  And the entire time I was gone I texted my husband and talked to him on the phone and "talked" to my son on the phone.  I was never overcome with sadness or missing him desperately.  I take this as a good sign.  That I'm not co-dependent on him.

On my flight home I had a lay over in Cincinnati.  I got a text message from my husband with a picture of my son.  He was walking around the living room in my husband's work boots.  It melted my heart and all I could think or say way "My baby." 

I think this will be my reaction for the rest of his life.  When he sleeps in his car seat.  When he goes to school for the first time.  When he takes the football field.  When he graduates.  When he gets married and becomes a dad.  When he solves global warming and cures famine. 

My baby.

So, I got home late and everyone was in bed except the dogs.  The next morning I got up and ready for work anticipating his sweet face popping up from his bed.  All bright eyed and bushy tailed like his dad.  And that's what I got when I opened his door.  A sweet smiling face, ready to start the day.  I was a little over come and sad that he wasn't beside himself with my return.  But as he grabbed his ever present blanket and reached for me my heart melted all over again as it does a dozen times a day with him.  I picked him up and felt the full weight of his 22 months and caught a whiff of his sagging loaded diaper.

Awww, my baby.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Checking In

So I completely acknowledge that I kinda dropped off the face of the earth.  I've been busy.  Let that suffice without having to going into the week by week details that has made my life hectic, insane, boring, wild, frustrating, educational, stupefying, and wine-worthy.  You know...just like yours. 

So I've been busy and whats sad is that I'm starting to gear up for the holidays, which means that its gonna get more hectic.  So currently I am trying to coordinate my Mom and two sisters to sit down with our respective calendars and Blackberrys in order to coordinate the next two months.  How sad is it that we can't even coordinate the coordinating????  May the merry bells keep ringing!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Tuzigut 2006-2006

One day while at work my husband sent me a picture via email of a cat and asked if we could take it home.  Apparently a guy in his office found it and he already had two cats so this little guy needed a new home.  My knee-jerk reaction was not only no but hell no.  But the more I thought about it the more I realized that if it was me wanting a new pet and we had was one, Cass, my husband would have said hell yes to me.  So in an effort to be the partner he is to me, I said yes, but you're cleaning the litter box.  Oh, the other stipulation was that I got to name him. 

I knighted him Tuzigut (if you ask why that will be another long story).  So Tuzi, as we took to calling him, came to live with us.  Honestly, not sure that Cass cared all that much,  When she got too close he batted at her and let her know what his boundaries were.  So my loving husband bought cat litter and his little litter box, or his potty.  While he cleaned it often, my husband not the cat, I would still come home complaining that the house smelled.  I knew it was something I would learn to deal with.  Unfortunately for Cass the temptation was too much.  The litter box had a dome top to reduce the smell,(and give the cat some privacy) but that didn't slow her down.  She'd finagle her head into the box and go to town like it was a frickin' buffet.  You would have never known she was chomping down on the Tootsie rolls except she would come into the living room with a  cat litter mustache like a "Got Milk": as.  A few times I caught her with her head in the candy dish.  I would yell her name to make her stop but it would scare her.  She would jump and the dome lid would pop off and get stuck around her neck. Then you would have to helop her out of her pastic head piece. 

Even though I would complain (loudly), my husband said this was just something I would have to get used to, it was part of having a cat AND a dog.  So I tried, really I did, to keep the complaining to a dull humorous roar.  Eventually, Tuzi figured out how to use the doggie door and started utilizing the backyard as his potty.  While I didn't enjoy the occasional smell wafting from the sage bush, but between that and the litter box Cass' snack pack, I could deal with it.  So for a few months we all lived together happily.  Our new feline friend began to grow on my as well.  He was sweet, when he wanted to be  And that was something I could relate to.  But not everything was going so smoothly.  It all began slowly, occasionally.  Nothing major.  We started finding Cass sitting at the patio door, waiting.  Sometimes she was inside, other times outside.  We honestly thought nothing of it for who know how long.  We would just open the door for her and she would happily come through.  Occasionally, we would laugh about her being fussy.  But then she started whimpering, in the middle of the night, to be let in or out.  We thought she was hurt but it was primarily to get our attention.  My husband was convinced she had gotten too big for the doggie door.  We argued about, took measurements of her and the door and shopped for a new door. But then one time I saw her poke her head through the door, as if to just check and *BAM* out of nowhere Tuzi jumped and swatted as her head.  She quickly pulled her head back through the door.  She would then resume her sentry stand by the doggie door.  When I told my husband he was partly proud of the stealth attack by Tuzi but ultimately knew we had to protect Cass' right to potty. But how do you discipline an animal who could care less about your needs, desires and mandates or your treats?  So we continued to open the patio door for our bullied dog when we had a perfectly good doggie door.  Oh, but its not like we could get rid of the dog door insert cuz the damn cat continued to use the doggie door.

So what's the solution?  How do you make a dog and a cat share a dooggie door?  How do you show a cat that you are the alpha in the house? 

I don't know. 

Tuzigut ran away one night and never came back.  My husband was convinced that a coyote ate him.  I on the other hand, refused to admit 1.) he died because I didn't like the little box or 2.) that there was something close to our house that could potentially eat us.  I chose to believe he just moved on to another house.  I mean that makes the most sens right?  Not a coyote that would have made its way down the river bead that was behind our house.  Com'on he ran away before!  That's how we got him!  He was a feline whore!  Not lunch.  Right?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Crested Bassett

Mopping today.  Yay!  Actually mopping is a love/hate relationship for me.  I love the smell of clean, bleached floors, reminds me of my grandma's house.  But with two dogs who shed it doesn't matter how many times you sweep prior to mopping you still end up covered in wet hair.  So while I am on my hands and knees mopping the bedroom, our Basset Hound is laying on the bed, watching.  I'm so glad that I'm here for your entertainment.  I propose to shave him down to the skin and we could have the first Chinese Crested Basset Hound. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Abusive Relationships

Ya know in Lifetime movies how the girl that has been abused she'll make some threat that she'll leave and then the boyfriend will get all nice buy flowers and be all sweet and stuff.  That's where we're at in my current work relationship.  So as I finish out my last few days with the employer that I have equated to an abusive boyfriend I am seeing things even clearer. I am scared to start the Next Chapter but I know in my heart of hearts that its time to move on.  I am looking for the strength within me to make this jump, this leap of faith, and to find my footing, solid and secure, on a new path.

Sad Face

Some times when I'm eating, I get sad when my plate is clean.  I love food.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Next Chapter

As I have lamented in previous post, i hate my job.  Its not the work as much as it is the people.  While some of them are the greatest people I've ever met and really hope that I've made long time friends; others are fake and manipulative and two faced and difficult and power hungry and out right liars and ugly on the inside and in desperate need of mental help.  So I have been searching for a new job since I came back from maternity leave.  My son turned 18 months the other week.  Its been a long, hard road that has been filled with anger, tears, desperation, stress, heartburn and occasional laughter.  But the road has finally ended.  Praise little baby Jesus!  Seriously, thank you God and Jesus and all your little disciples and the Virginia Mary and throw in Guadalupe for good measure.  Thank you!  The decision to move on has been hard even in light of the fact that I've been looking and praying for so long.  Its hard to leave the people you've spend 40+ hours a week with for over six years.  These people were at my wedding and with me during our fertility troubles and throughout my pregnancy and The Boy's first year of life.  I feel like I'm breaking off a relationship, an abusive one at that but a relationship none the less.  So has as I start the The Last Week and struggle with passing on all of my information I am looking forward to the future, all of it, for the first time in a long time. 

Let go of the past so that I'm capable of embracing the future.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Want

I want a new job
I want a waist line
I want a puppy
I want to be noticed
I want my car washed
I want a hair appointment
I want gift cards, lots of them
I want to be included
I want long nails
I want short hair
I want all green light driving home
I want you to notice me
I want it to flow and not be forced
I want a big garden
I want a beach by my house


I don't know if I'm supposed to want less and be thankful for what I have or does the wanting drive me to succeed?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

So The Husband is gone and The Boy is asleep so I really thought this would be a perfect time to write but the Zumba at 8 am is kicking my ass now.  Doesn't a nap sounds even better?  So instead I'm gonna teach myself to do stuff on here that I didn't know how to do before.  Look Dave and Tim and Long Black Veil


I learned!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My Boy

This afternoon I picked up The Boy from daycare.  Normally, the Husband gets him but I had the pleasure today.  Its 107 degrees outside but we still take the leisurely stroll to the car while he dragged his blanket that was freshly washed through the dirt, weeds and dead grass that our in-home daycare calls a front yard. Once he was in his seat all secure I asked for a kiss.  He recently started puckering which is the cutest thing in the world.  His slobbery little pucker kinda tasted like dirt.  I think that's the way things are suppose to be.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I LOVE GOATS

Helllloooo up there!
Hi, whatcha got for me?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

If wishes were dreams

I wouldn't remember my wishes if that were the case. 

I really wish that I could write more.  I know that its all dedication and shit, but I can't seem to find the time that I can sit down and write and not think, I should unload the dishwasher or lord I need to sweep before that dirt bunny under the table starts to pee on the other dirt bunny marking its territory.  Then the dirt bunnies form gangs where they make friends and fall in love and fight each other and some times dance and sing but then it all ends in a blazing fire fight (must be yelled like in Boondock Saints) and then there is blood pee and dirt bunny parts all over the place which is an even bigger mess than I started with. 

I also don't feel like I am capable of writing the things I wanna talk about correctly.  Like honestly I think my head is way faster than my fingers which does help out with decision making and maintaining a job that provides an income we have become comfortable with.  But so doesn't help when I wanna say or think something and my fingers don't keep up and then I miss the thought cuz something shiny happened or a song came on the radio...oh!  New Mumford and Sons on the radio...Love-it!

so anyways....

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

something about trees and forests......?

What is that old saying, can't see the forest for the trees or something?  When you can't see the bigger picture?  I think I have that problem.  I self-diagnosed myself.  Seriously I think I have this problem but in reverse.  Instead of seeing the finer details or the meaning of the finer details I see the big picture.  I am starting to think that because of this I'm misinterpreting the forest. I've been reading Wally Lamb's The Hour I First Believed and it is phenomenal!  I usually read to go to sleep but this book keeps me awake and I'm reading to all hours of the night.  A pager turner if there ever was one.  Anyways, I know that there is some deep hidden meaning in so many things he writes about but I seem to miss it.  I am loving the story and the characters and how the story is woven together for the reader but am afraid I am missing another layer that would make it that much better.  I also think this affliction, for lack of a better term, is hindering me in my daily life. Does this make sense?  Do you ever feel that there is more beyond your grasps?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Our Oldest Baby

It all started quite innocent. We were merely going to take her as a test drive and she ended up never leaving. Some might say that we stole her but that’s all perspective. I like to think that she came into our life like kismet. Cassidy is her name. Like Cher or Madonna she needs no last name and we didn’t waste time with silly little modifiers that would imply she is of some royal descent. Instead, she has many nick names, such as Cass, Casa Dee Dee, Baby Girl, Dingus or Crazy. She is indeed a little crazy and at times she is just downright retarded. We call her “special” in mixed company and let them determine what they want in that. In reality she is a nine years old chocolate lab but she thinks she is much younger and much smaller. To please the court, I offer up the following pieces of evidence of her retardation:

1. She was in our wedding party and she had to be medicated in order to be around the crowd of people. Our wedding was less than 100 guests.

2. She is no longer allowed to go to my parent’s house for Christmas because the combination of all those kids and adults and Christmas tree and food is too much and she explodes into a whirling, twirling whining mess of fur. Her last Christmas in public, we head out to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve night and by Christmas morning she was locked in the garage for the safety of everyone and for her tongue to return to its normal color.

3. To let you know that it is time to eat, she spins.

We keep her around because she gives the best hugs. EVER. She will do the slow creep up on to your lap or couch. Slowly, one paw at a time and one pound at a time. And then nose dive you into your neck. She is very good with the aim of her snout into your neck. The nose being cold and wet is just an added bonus. The natural reaction is to drive your chin into your neck in a protective manner. This must be a cue for her to do the same thing. So now it’s a vise grip of dog on human action. Personally, I’m laughing too hard by this point to do much of anything other than to curl up and protect my abdominal area since she is not wildly dancing on top of you but still magically holding you down with her snout grip. It is pure joy. She is and always will be our first baby.

Following Orders

So my therapist wants me to start writing more.  It was not his idea to write on the blog but I feel like here I actually have an audience that I can talk to.  I know its you two and all but I'm trying to follow orders.  I'm suppose to write about stuff that we don't get to talk about when I'm there.  I think I'm still working on finding my voice as a writer.  I know that if I follow orders then I'll get to both places. 

So I need to make the commitment to actually write.  Oh, look The Husband is watching Samurai Jack, which I absolutely hate with a a passion.  Looks like a good time to write.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture-Ready

So the End of the World starts today (so happy that we can plan for this) around noon in New Zealand I heard.  While the logical side of me totally believes that this will come and go, just like Y to K and Elvis sightings.  But I started thinking today driving into work that perhaps, just maybe this is gonna happen.  And if, big if here, what are my chances of taking flight on Saturday around 6 pm??  I believe in God and parts of the Bible.  I talk to God and give thanks for the things that I am truly thankful for like my family and my health and my good fortune.  I follow Lent and I'm not Catholic.  I went to church on Easter and Christmas while my family sat at home eating.  What I think is a good relationship with God might be the bare minimum.  So is there a last ditch effort to repent or something just in case? 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Babies Everywhere

There has been a growing trend amongst my friends...pregnancy. Its all the rage!  Everyone who is anyone worth knowing is procreating.  Hell-lo!! Two down (born in March) and like 9 more to come by October.

I am honestly very happy for all of the new moms or moms-to-be.  I am not jealous of them because,  well I already have the cutest baby in the world (who is now 15 months old - OMG!  Can I even call him a baby??).  Its not that I want to be in their shoes right now.  Eventually yes I want to travel down this path again but not yet.  Because like I mentioned, The Boy is 15 months old and he can walk AND climb and he loves jumping on his bed which would explain why the mattress cover is split and the DVD buttons only become interesting when watching a DVD and Dad's cell phone totally belongs in the toliet. So there is currently no opening in the baby division in our house.  I absolutely love talking about my pregnancy versus theirs or someone else's.  I love comparing thoughts and feelings and dreams at each stage.  I love giving the advice from someone who has been through it and is on the other side.  I love because I wish I had had it.

Honestly what really gets me is that I didn't have this. I wasn't allowed to discuss it at work (for reason that take too much time).  My sisters don't really call me up for girl chat.  Only one of my friends had had children.  My other friends either bailed or the conversation didn't last long because they didn't know what to say and I didn't want to push and make it uncomfortable.  Its such a strange experience and I don't know how to really handle it so that I
  1. don't create the same situation for someone else
  2. come across as the bitter girl
  3. comes across as the girl that wants to be pregnant but can't be.
So anyways...Congrats to the new mommies and to the mommies-to-be. Oh, and to the mommies in waiting,  just read that they can grow sperm in a test tube for mice so good luck with that!

Friday, March 11, 2011

In the beginning there was hair

Today is our wedding anniversary. We have had five blissful years of matrimonial harmony, kinda. The vows say for better or for worse and while we’ve had both and I know that there are more to come. And while we’ve had our fare share of downs, we’ve had some really great up. We’ve learned a thing or two about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Most important thing I’ve learn is so keep talking. As long as we’re communicating then we eventually end up on the same page. I thought I would this time to tell the story of how we met. Because like I said it’s a good one. Mind you this is only the story of how we met, not how we fell in love. That I’ll save for our ten year!

I was a 14 year old freshman in high school. I was spreading my wings as much as I could, testing boundaries like we do at that age. One of my friends was in love with a guy in her math class. She always talked about him and his beautiful hair. It was 1994 who wasn’t in love with Eddie Vedder or anyone who looked like him. So one day while walking from one class to another, in a sea of other high schoolers making their way to their classes, she pointed out this “vision of a man.” He was stocky and shorter for a guy, but still my height. He looked ok to me. I mean nothing to write home about or anything. But the flowing, curly locks that shown in the sunlight were pulled back into a ponytail doing a number on my twitter paited friend and making my upper lip instinctively curl in distaste. While all my friends were in love with boys with long hair, I really could care less. I was still looking for a clean cut boy apparently. Or perhaps I hadn’t realized the sexual pull a shaved head would have for me, yet.

So a while later my friend called me for one of those two and half hour conversations you only have in high schools with your best friends. She was all a flutter because she had got her hot little hands on a phone number for a friend of the guy from her math class. She begged me to call this other guy and get the phone number of Math Boy. Since I had nothing to gain or lose, I was game. So we called and got the other guys number and then called Math Boy – ON THREE WAY! If there was ever an OMG moment of 1994 this was it. I called him under a fake name, Elaine. Yes, that’s right a fake name. I might have been all “whatever, I’ll do it” with my friend, but reality was that I was still a 14 year old girl afraid to talk to a 16 year old boy. So having the fa├žade of another name and persona made me bold. I talked to this boy (with my friend quietly listening) and found out that he did not know who my friend was. We agreed that he would check her out the next day and I would call him back and find out what he thought. My friend and I then proceeded to have another hour conversation about how excited she was and what she would wear the next, etc. The next night, we called him back on three way again. He had checked her out and wasn’t interested. I remember feeling bad for my friend who sat quietly on the other end, listening. I ended the call pretty quickly after that. But days later I found myself wanting to talk to Math Boy. I honestly saw it as practice in talking to boys. Under the mask of Elaine I could be myself. Its funny, I think sometimes people think if you use a pseudonym then you’re trying to be someone else, but really I was just trying to be myself and not worry about judgment. None the less, I found myself talking to Math Boy more and more often. I finally told my friend that I was still talking to him. She wasn’t upset since she had moved on to another long-haired love of her life (whom Elaine was able to help as well). After a few months of some of the more random, entertaining conversations of my adolescence, I decided to stop calling him. He never asked for Elaine’s number so we went into the summer never to speak again. Or so we thought…

The start of my sophomore year I went into my math class on the first day of school and there he was, now in my math class. Oh the irony. I was petrified to s[peak around him, convinced that he would recognize my voice. My only saving grace was that the teacher had an alphabetical seating chart all year long. Me being an A and he being a R, we weren’t close to each other. I went the entire year never speaking in math and never interacting with him. Our math teacher was a football coach and he was a football player. He suffered a knee injury that year and had surgery on his ACL. The teacher had such a blatant preference for him because of the common football element, he ruled that class. I ruled invisibility.

My junior year, his senior year, started and I walked into my math class and it was like I was being punished…he sat in desk at one end of the room. I chose a desk on the opposite side of the room. I mean, really? Com’on! Can’t a girl get a break from the dumb jock she fleeced two years ago?? I was pretty sure that I would never graduate because of my failing grade in math due to never speaking. But eventually, around Thanksgiving, I felt bold enough to start talking to him. He started helping me with my math homework. Again, irony (I think). We started talking on the phone about math in the beginning and then other things. I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to know if he had any inkling. I wanted to know what he thought happened to Elaine. I wanted to get it off my chest. Eventually, I told him. I can remember sitting at the dining room table in my parent’s old house and taking that deep breath and deciding to do it. There wasn’t the fall out that I feared. It was actually just the beginning.

It has been an amazing five years and and phenomenal 17 years since I first met you.  I love you more every day.  To the many years and adventures to come.  I love you Juanito.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

SURVEY SAYS!

Survey Questions:


1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
They are totally our kids, but kids we don't dress, need daycare for, discipline when they stick their paws in light sockets...so I just they're just pets....uh.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be? Dream job from with a flexible schedule unlimited pay on a coast somewhere.  Oh, and world peace.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you? Currently, people who talk over others.  Its rude.  WHEN YOU TALK OVER OTHERS YOU FAIL TO LISTEN AND YOU FAIL TO BE HEARD.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars? See that my family is taken care of, buy The Husband all the toys he has ever wanted and a bigger house to go with it, donate but only if they make it a charity fundraiser event that everyone who is anyone will want to go to.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?  Singing at the top of my lungs.  Wanna hear!?!

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? Um both...depends on my mood.

7. What is your bedtime routine? Contacts out, birth control in, and pajamas on.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?  High school...long story....might have to post that one day cuz its funny!

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be? DMB the whole crew creating together.  I wanna sit and watch them play and create and be themselves!

10. What kinds of books do you read? Pretty much.  I am trying to get out of books that look pretty and start books that are stimulating in some way.  I want something that will make me think (I know...) or make me laugh or cry (emotions are good).

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time? No clue.  I think I gave up a ten year plan when I realized how old I would be in 10 years and that was sad.

12. What’s your fear? Losing The Husband and The Boy.  Oh and aliens and ghosts.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space? Nope, see #12.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor? Can I just ask to be rich.  I've been single and poor and married and poor.  Can I just test drive the rich and married option?

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Turn off the alarm and feel to see who is next me.  Is it The Husband or a dog?

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be? Not much, there are things that I wish were different but those aspects make him who he is and I like the whole package. 

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself what would it be? I don't know....Something fun and old.  Mable?

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done? I don't...I am very good at holding a grudge.  I am trying to get past that.  I guess it depends what it is. I know that's a bullshit answer.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? I have no idea.  Chicken? 

Now you should copy and paste this in the comments and respond.  And not just because I'm nosey, but because I want comments. I want to know that there are people out there (other than you two) reading this.....


so, anyways...
Guess who got a new camera app on her phone!!  This is the "polaroid" style on the FxCamera for Android.  Not sure it really looks polaroid per se but I do love the washed out coloring.  This is a magenta rose from my friend's baby shower.

so anyways...
Check out me carrots!  Some are wee and some are (ok one) big ones!   The cucumbers didn't survive the freezes we've had lately.  So the nice thing about Arizona is that we get a few planting seasons.  So what do I plant next???  

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My Toe Hurts & Other Things

So I am an indentured servant to the company's owner and president, aka Satan. I resist the urge to post anything about my employer to avoid any issues so needless to say I am trying to find a new place to grow and flourish. But believe me you are missing out on some funny shit. I have been looking for a new employer since last May. An employer who I would be proud to work for. I've had two interviews.

Two.

I know that I haven't been at it hard core until recently, like since October but whatever....Well honestly I thought I would have had something by now. I keep plugging away and applying and hoping for something to pop up as The Husband says it will but last week I meditated/focus my energy on one company and now this week it's a new company clear across the effin valley. I know that there is something better for me out there and it will come soon. And soon will come sooner than I think.

Oh and by the way my big toe hurts. It's probably because I've been kicking The Husband in the knees at night like he believes. Right.

So anyways....
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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Tres!

After the initial cancer scare it made me re-think our plan as a couple.  Quite honestly, before we didn't have one.  But when faced with potentially losing the ability to have children you realize that you need to get things together and figure out when you want to use those parts.  In a road trip with my husband, I approached the subject of attempting to start a family.  When trapped in a car in the middle of New Mexico is the best time to have life altering conversations!  I just wanted to talk about it but we realized that we both wanted to start down that path to making a family.  We decided that in November when everything was clear we would talk about what having PCOS actually entailed when it came to having kids. 

When I went back to the gynie in November the PAP came back abnormal, again.  This time the doctor decided to proceed with a LEEP (Loop electrosurgical excision procedure ).  Again when I went to WebMD I was bombarded with words like "cervical cancer" and "electrosurgical."  My husband went with me this time.  He was in the room when they pumped me full of meds that made my heart race, my necklace dance on my throat while a doctor electrocurcially removed parts of my cervix, again. I remember laying on the chair/table while they propped my crotch open again like a fucking garage door and my new husband (with a little bit of fear in his eyes) held my hand.  At this point I remember mourning the fact that the first gynie experience I had with my new husband was for potential cancer, not having a baby like most newly weds.  Afterwards, I tried to talk to the doctor about potentially having kids and the response I got basically was "lets get through this before we talk about kids."  This is not what you want to hear.  It didn't seem positive at all.  So when the biopsies came back clear I was told to come back in 3 months. 

I decided to change doctors around this time.  This time it was a woman and she had been seeing my mom and my sister.  Her bedside manner was completely different.  She talked to me about the PCOS and reiterated that we had to get through the cancer concerns before we tackle that.  It was a good change because the third PAP came back abnormal again.  The new doctor chose a colposcopy and biopsied 6 different places.  And sent me to a gynecological oncologist.  Oncologist?  That's a cancer doctor.  That's scary as shit.    I was 28 years old and I was checking my medical network for an in-network oncologist. WTF? 

I had my appointment with the oncologist.  I wanted to go alone.  I didn't know what was going to happen and I needed to be by myself.  The office was older in an older building downtown.  It didn't have a lot of windows and it was dark.  I sat in the waiting room for some time and it was sad because it was really busy.  I couldn't get over that all of these women are dealing with cancer in some way.  I didn't read a magazine like I normally do, it seemed disrespectful to the fights that were being quietly waged.  Finally, I was called back.  The doctor was ginormous, old, gruff, and had a ton of white hair that was beyond unruly.  When I went to get on the table he pretty much picked me up and put me on the edge of the table.  It was like being picked up by a Teddy Graham.  I was prepared for another PAP or colposcopy or another LEEP.  Hell I was ready to pour bleach in my cooter just to make all this shit go away.  He did an inspection and talked to me about getting pregnant.  He spoke very highly of my current gynecologist and said she was the best to get me pregnant, other than my husband.  He was firm, but gentle and not intrusive, which was weird since he was poking and prodding my cooter.  He told me to get dressed.  I didn't know what that meant, good or bad.  I got dressed and the nurse showed me to his office.  I have never been in a doctor's office.  It was a little intimidating.  He had a chart for me and all I could think was that I have a record.  I have an oncologist record.  Years from now I will have this skinny file in some one's office.  Please dear God let it be a skinny file.  He told me that basically I didn't have cancer and this was just a lab technician being overly cautious when reading the test results.  He sent me away with a blessing to get pregnant. 

When I got in my car I was euphoric.  I don't think I can correctly convey the absolute pure joy that comes from being told you don't have cancer.  I called my husband and told him the very good news.  I started driving home and called my sister to tell her too.  This is when I lost control.  I fell apart.  I cried so hard that she couldn't understand me and thought it was bad.  The stress of the year of not knowing came crashing down on me while I drove up 7th Avenue.  I cried to my sister and cleansed my body of all of it. 

But what is the saying....out of the skillet and into the frying pan?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Social Commentary

I don't get paid for my social commentary but I should. Ted Williams story seems a little well timed dontcha think?

His Mom (aka Mommy) has been AWOL and suddenly after his hard knocks life is optimistic fodder she shows up....??? Also, coinscidental that this story of boot strap pull up, heart string tugging and down on his luck makes good is just what the country needs?
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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

does this work???

So downloaded a new app on the phone. Hoping this works so I can blog from the toliet. Because honestly that is where I'm the funniest.
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