Thursday, December 30, 2010

These are a few of my favorite things...

I recently watched The Sound of Music in its entirety for the first time in my life.  While I was most impressed with what attention whores those Von Trapp kids were (seriously it does not take 15 minutes of singing to say good night to a ball room full of statesmen) I did make a mental note to relish the little things that make me happy.  Such as....
1. The microwave at work tells me to enjoy my food when its done cooking it.  Its just a nice parting note. 
2. Seat warmers.  While I might live in a desert the scattered snow in the Valley today made me appreciate my butt warmers.
3. Holding my son on my hip and walking around but looking at him.  I love to watch him take everything in.  Its like he has never seen our couch and dogs before. 
4. Tylenol with hydrocodone to kill the ass of this thing that has been kicking mine since November.
5. Knitted scarves to keep me warm and warmer woolen mittens....

Monday, December 6, 2010

Part Dos

My PAP came back abnormal, which meant that my gynie nurse practitioner got to climb back into my cooter and perform a colposcopy. When they told me this was gonna happen they gave me a bunch of pamphlets to read. Believe me I was all over WebMD trying to find out what the hell.  Each pastel colored pamphlet was sprinkled with words like HPV and cervical cancer. And WebMD had links to Cervical Cancer and drawings of lady parts and various forms of HPV and Cervical Cancer. This scared the crappadapp out of me so I wasn’t so good on the reading AND comprehending. What I gathered was that the cells were so abnormal that no one thought I just had an infection. Apparently the cells they scraped off my cervix were so f-ed up that they wanted to BIOPSY them. WTF.

So the day of my big colposcopy had come and according to my paper work I was suppose to take some ibuprofen in order to reduce any discomfort. Out of immense fear of the procedure I took a Soma imported from Mexico. FYI – Soma is not a pain killer, it was only a muscle relaxer. Which is probably the only reason my gynie was able to get me fearsome knees apart. I must mention that I love my gynie nurse practitioner because she very calmly and very direct. She doesn’t sugar coat things or try and hug me. I know that we’re intimate, well I haven’t see her cooter, but we’re fairly intimate and she doesn’t try and force a friendship just cuz I let her in my wahyna every now and then. When we got down to business she wrenched my cooter open like a fucking garage door. She shoved a halogen lamp down there and started basting my cervix in vinegar. (No salad tossing comments here). She ended up identifying 4 areas of concern and snipped them out with what I can only imagine were little cuticle scissors! On lucky number 4 she dropped, kinda, but the edge of the specimen cup caught it. Yay! She sent the happy 4 chunks o’cervix to the lab and sent me home walking like I had a cardboard tube shoved up my wahyna . Oh, I forgot to mention the “Band Aid” they put on my cervix. It was described as mustard or Dijon mustard to more accurate looking. It would slough off in the next week. Eeeww. Well not as eeww as what slipped out of me about three days later. It would like Mr. Coffee hocked a brown loogie into the toilet. So a few days later I get the call that all is fine. Phew! Come back in 3 months for a follow up to make sure that everything is still on the up and up. Okey dokey ….see you in November! Wheeeeee!

Oh, it doesn't end there.  Why would it end there?  Silly.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How it began

This is a bit stream of consciousness and well, maybe not so entertaining, but this is my story. Fuck, its my blog so I don’t need to apologize if you don’t enjoy the writing style of this post. Click next if its so annoying. Can’t be more annoying then someone that clicks next because they can’t follow a frigging story…..


In October 2005, while on birth control, I didn’t get my period. I called the doctor and they said take a pee test, if nothing then take this progesterone to induce a period, no big deal. I tested negative as expected and took the little itty bitty pill for 10 days and got my period. Bought another pack for the next month and the same thing happened. I called the doctor’s office again and the nurse gave me the same protocol. I said, “Why am I taking a pill (The Pill) to make me have a period but it’s not working…????” The nurse was confused. Oh, and it’s not like this was over one phone call. Hell no, this was over a series of voice mails. When I finally spoke to a real live nurse she was the one confused. I explained that the only reason (or predominate reason at least) I was on birth control was to actually regulate my period. I did wonder why I was continuing to purchase birth control on a monthly basis if it wasn’t doing what it was intended to do. She said, “Oh that happens.” I wanted to yell in my overly dramatic Phantom of the Opera shrill voice, “Well until your stop these things from happening, these things do not happen!” But instead I made the arbitrary decision, like I do (see here), that I would just stop taking the damn thing. We were in the middle of planning our wedding so I, very logically, decided to stop purchasing my birth control and invest the $40 monthly co-pay into our wedding. That $160 savings paid for at least 2 dinners! Best laid plans my friend….

So fast forward to July 2006 and the wedding is over and we’ve forced everyone to view all 362 photos of our honeymoon, minus a few videos not for family consumption. I decide that after 9 months of no periods, oh that and my annual was suppose to happen in July, I would go see my favorite gynie nurse practitioner. We She discussed the birth control options while she scraaaaaped my cervix. I held my breath and focused on the ceiling. By the by, my gynie nurse practitioner has clouds covering her florescent light panels, it’s very relaxing. I completely forget that my insides are being scraped clean with metal instruments and instead think that I’m flying. So anyways, we were gonna try something new, but I was reluctant since it didn’t seem to do much good before. Unfortunately the big C (::cancer::) thing happened and no one cared to talk about birth control with me then.

More to come.....