Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

I woke up this morning and my temperature has not changed. I am on round three of Clomid at CD 17 and nothing has happened. I am sad. I am down. I am lost. I am afraid.

In the beginning of this cycle I really thought that this was the dose. This was the one that was going to make it happen. I’m pretty sure this was the dosage we got to before, right? But I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that this is not working. This is not the time. My heart is heavy and don’t know how to reconcile these feelings.

The first time we tried we didn’t know what was going to happen. So we took our hits and came back for more, none the wiser. This time we know that it can work. We know what it’s like to be pregnant and have a baby. We know all about it and desperately want it again, in spite of all the current craziness.

And nothing else seems to be going right. The Boy is fighting everything because his world is constantly changing. I feel guilty and uneasy about all the changes we’ve made. I feel unsettled in my job. I can’t seem to find stable ground anywhere and when I do, it’s not for every long.

I posted the other day in a chat room of other PCOS moms who are TTCing. I commented that I wish there was a magic 8 Ball to tell me when it would happen. Like if I could shake an OPK and it would tell me everything. When I would ovulate. When I would conceive. What do I need to do differently.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option. What’s the old saying, hope in one hand and shit in another and see which one fills up faster? Well if the recent bought of diarrhea in our house is any indication.....

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