After the initial cancer scare it made me re-think our plan as a couple. Quite honestly, before we didn't have one. But when faced with potentially losing the ability to have children you realize that you need to get things together and figure out when you want to use those parts. In a road trip with my husband, I approached the subject of attempting to start a family. When trapped in a car in the middle of New Mexico is the best time to have life altering conversations! I just wanted to talk about it but we realized that we both wanted to start down that path to making a family. We decided that in November when everything was clear we would talk about what having PCOS actually entailed when it came to having kids.
When I went back to the gynie in November the PAP came back abnormal, again. This time the doctor decided to proceed with a LEEP (Loop electrosurgical excision procedure ). Again when I went to WebMD I was bombarded with words like "cervical cancer" and "electrosurgical." My husband went with me this time. He was in the room when they pumped me full of meds that made my heart race, my necklace dance on my throat while a doctor electrocurcially removed parts of my cervix, again. I remember laying on the chair/table while they propped my crotch open again like a fucking garage door and my new husband (with a little bit of fear in his eyes) held my hand. At this point I remember mourning the fact that the first gynie experience I had with my new husband was for potential cancer, not having a baby like most newly weds. Afterwards, I tried to talk to the doctor about potentially having kids and the response I got basically was "lets get through this before we talk about kids." This is not what you want to hear. It didn't seem positive at all. So when the biopsies came back clear I was told to come back in 3 months.
I decided to change doctors around this time. This time it was a woman and she had been seeing my mom and my sister. Her bedside manner was completely different. She talked to me about the PCOS and reiterated that we had to get through the cancer concerns before we tackle that. It was a good change because the third PAP came back abnormal again. The new doctor chose a colposcopy and biopsied 6 different places. And sent me to a gynecological oncologist. Oncologist? That's a cancer doctor. That's scary as shit. I was 28 years old and I was checking my medical network for an in-network oncologist. WTF?
I had my appointment with the oncologist. I wanted to go alone. I didn't know what was going to happen and I needed to be by myself. The office was older in an older building downtown. It didn't have a lot of windows and it was dark. I sat in the waiting room for some time and it was sad because it was really busy. I couldn't get over that all of these women are dealing with cancer in some way. I didn't read a magazine like I normally do, it seemed disrespectful to the fights that were being quietly waged. Finally, I was called back. The doctor was ginormous, old, gruff, and had a ton of white hair that was beyond unruly. When I went to get on the table he pretty much picked me up and put me on the edge of the table. It was like being picked up by a Teddy Graham. I was prepared for another PAP or colposcopy or another LEEP. Hell I was ready to pour bleach in my cooter just to make all this shit go away. He did an inspection and talked to me about getting pregnant. He spoke very highly of my current gynecologist and said she was the best to get me pregnant, other than my husband. He was firm, but gentle and not intrusive, which was weird since he was poking and prodding my cooter. He told me to get dressed. I didn't know what that meant, good or bad. I got dressed and the nurse showed me to his office. I have never been in a doctor's office. It was a little intimidating. He had a chart for me and all I could think was that I have a record. I have an oncologist record. Years from now I will have this skinny file in some one's office. Please dear God let it be a skinny file. He told me that basically I didn't have cancer and this was just a lab technician being overly cautious when reading the test results. He sent me away with a blessing to get pregnant.
When I got in my car I was euphoric. I don't think I can correctly convey the absolute pure joy that comes from being told you don't have cancer. I called my husband and told him the very good news. I started driving home and called my sister to tell her too. This is when I lost control. I fell apart. I cried so hard that she couldn't understand me and thought it was bad. The stress of the year of not knowing came crashing down on me while I drove up 7th Avenue. I cried to my sister and cleansed my body of all of it.
But what is the saying....out of the skillet and into the frying pan?