Never happy…

I recently got into a huge argument with my husband about never being happy with just being.  He is always talking about wanting to do something, go somewhere, buy something and I feel like this is a sign of discontent.  He thinks he is just sharing his interests and not an indication of his level of satisfaction as a person, husband or father.  While he is probably right, because who would know what he is feeling better than him, but it still heightens my level of anxiety.  Ok hold on this line of thought because I will piece them back together, later….

As I’ve briefly mentioned in the past, I worked in a little slice of hell.  You know how people will say, “Oh, I’m going to hell for XYZ” and people will respond with “you’ll be in good company” or something to that affect?  Well, I was in fine company but at the end of the day you’re still in hell and Satan is still your boss.  So I sought out a new job.  And eventually after a lot of work, I was offered a position with a caveat.  This position was with an international company with a huge financial backing and came with an increase in pay, but it was contract to hire.  So I weighed the options of staying in hell or moving on up to the dee-luxe apartment in the sky.  I took a leap of faith and made the change to the big company.  I’ve been here for five months now and boom….they sold the division I work for. 

The dust is settling a week after the announcement and the “real” employees are still reeling from the monumental change.  I am in a situation that felt isolated and contingent to start with due to the nature of the contract has only become more and more secluded.  The anxiety I have about the unknown is triple what it normally is.  I need a blanket of assurance that everything is going to be all right that I can wrap myself in.  I need a professional mom to stroke my hair and lovingly whisper, “It’s gonna be ok, this is how your story goes.”  Every change I’ve made in the past has led to bigger and better eventually.  I just need to know where I am in the process. 

I can play the “If” game until I stroke out in the bathroom.  Between the panic attacks and the heart palpitations I may have already done that.  In my personal life, we wanted to start trying to have a baby.  The plan had been to go to the new employer, get hired on permanently and then start the process to having another baby.  This little acquisition changed everything.  I can’t make a new plan without knowing what the hell I’m doing.  The planner in me wants to puke.  The child in me that needs to know what is going to happen for optimal behavior is having a temper tantrum.  

So tying this back to my husband...I feel like I’m never happy because I’m constantly changing things.

One hour later….

Oh the irony that I while writing this I got a phone call that I was let go.  Maybe its not me always changing things.  Anyone hiring?