No Thoughts, Just Feelings

So I guess I need to write a follow up to this post.  As you can tell from my lack of enthusiasm, a cute little photo-reveal and general poopy attitude towards everything baby,
we are not pregnant. An emoti-con seems appropriate here and really really trivial at the same time.

I have been reluctant to write about this here because; well honestly I don’t have a complete sentence to offer you.  I have a lot of feelings and feeling words to offer up.  Sad.  Disappointed.  Failure.  Let down.  Angry.  Sad.  Delayed.  Unfulfilled.  Did I mention sad? 

Seriously the sadness is what is baffling to me.  It can hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere.  I was in Target and caught a glimpse of a baby clothes on sale. All I can think is, well I guess I don’t need to worry about that right now.  There is a girl in my office that is pregnant and she is starting to show.  I heard that there is another girl pregnant.  I force the “so excited for you” face but all I think is, what about me?  How selfish is that?  Don’t answer that.  I know it is, but luckily it’s just in my head and I have not yet stolen someone’s baby out of sadness and desperation. 

My head understands that this is the right thing to do right now.    But logic will never combat your heart and trump feelings; especially when your heart is broken.  I know that there are way more things that could make this situation seem significantly small.  I know that this is not the door shutting but just an extension of the hallway to the next door.  And as Juanito and I have somewhat argued over, it’s not the end of the chapter or even the book (we have always spoken in metaphors well).  It just feels that way to me. 

On my last Mother’s Day as a non-mother, Schmacey gave me a charm and statue of Saint Gerard.  He is, according to the diocese, the patron saint of infertility, of pregnant women, and mothers.  I wore his medal and placed the statue in a place of honor in our home.  I read his prayer card.  A month later I found out I was pregnant with The Boy.  So when we started this journey back in July, I busted out my St. Gerard charm and started wearing it.  After six months and nothing, I’m starting to think that the mantel over the fireplace is not a place of honor anymore.  I stopped wearing him.  I still have him with me.  I give thanks for The Boy and pray for another little miracle.  But I can’t keep wearing the necklace.  It is too hard for me.  Every time the charms got caught between my boobs it was a reminder it was there.  Not doing me one damn bit of difference. 

I think the other side of this is that there is no one (other than Juanito) to share the pain with.  We chose not to tell people so that there wouldn’t be the added pressure.  But now it’s like the last six months are just gone.  Sucked into a vacuum of time that no one will ever know about.  No one, not even the small handful of people who knew we were trying, has asked.  I did get the question of drinking alcohol around the holidays from some family, or at least they talked amongst themselves and not directly to me.  I also had a friend say out right that she was expecting an announcement from me or another friend and day now.  Well, that’s the thing about expectations.  They go unanswered.  And can crush your holiday spirit.

I know that all of this sounds very Sylvia Path-esque.  I promise that I am not going to stick my head in an oven.  Asides, ours is electric and dirty so I really don’t want to put mine in there.  Not even to clean it.  But like I said I have no thoughts on the subject but a lot of feelings.  I will reconcile those feels one of these days as I move on.