Elusive Bitch

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me

Someone posted this on their FB the other day. This particular person recently filed for divorce. Or should I say her husband filed for divorce, so she was filed on?  Upon??  Nonetheless, her marriage has ended and she has very publically been dealing with that as well as his infidelity. (Awesome part is that I barely know this person outside of high school how long ago so it’s more like reality TV than anything else.)

I have no idea where this quote came from. I guess I could google it….hold please.   Ah ha, look at that. --Anonymous. Now that guy knew his shit and knew how to keep his fat mouth outta other people’s business. So anyways, I have always had a hard time with forgiveness and saying sorry for that matter. You see I was raised in a house where you said sorry because that’s what you do. It is nice and it’s expected and basically it’s what good people do. So you say it. But the act of actually feeling it and then forgiving someone, well…that one was tricky. We’re a family who tends to bring up old shit in an effort to make a point about something or another. Instead it just reinforces that your “Sorry” was empty and forgiveness is an elusive bitch.

Typically forgiveness is sought after by someone who has hurt you in some manner and the last thing I want to do is give them anything, especially something they want. The other part, for me, is what will happen when whatever you did to hurt, you do again? If I don’t have my defenses up reinforced by the anger that is evidence of the hurt, then how will I protect myself? If I forgive I’ll just be blindsided by this eventually. So, these two lines of thought make me a less than forgiving person. This insightful little quote from a woman scorned puts a new-to-me spin on forgiveness. If forgiveness is something I give myself and not the transgressor that allows me to hang on to the anger as a protective layer of SPF but stops me from acting on the angry in order to move forward, perhaps the forgiveness will follow with time.  

Of course this is all in theory and not sure how it will play out. Also, it’s a bit long for a mantra. It’s not catchy like “Eye for an Eye” or "Fuck off" so it might be hard to remember in the heat of the moment. So, we’ll see. Not making promises but…yeah. We’ll see.