Monday, May 20, 2013

Irrational Fears

They say with your first baby mom is super paranoid of all things.  Don't eat hot dogs. Don't eat lunch meat.  Don't sit for too long.  Don't stand for too long.  Don't breath or drink unless it's been filtered.  Don't look at a snake because your baby will be cross-eyed.  Well I wasn't.  I was so freaking excited to be pregnant that I think I thought I was untouchable.  Immune to the possibilities that something bad would happen after all the time and effort it took to get here. 

They also say that with any subsequent children you worry less and less. Hence why they say the youngest child could swing from the rafters and parents don't worry.  Makes me wonder about about Michelle Duggar..... 

Anyways, that is  not true for me.  With Lucky #2 I am worried about everything.  We had the nuchal translucency test the other week that tests for chromosomal abnormalities,  such as Down's Syndrome.  I was so nervous about this test.  Since becoming a mom I have met a handful of people who have children with Down's that they didn't know about until the baby was born.  HOLY COW.  And even though my blood work and ultrasound are fine I still worry.  And will worry until my little pink, squishy bundle shows up.  

Other things I worry about to the point of anxiety for no good Goddamn reason:

1. Squishing the baby.  I'm afraid that I will sit hunched over at my desk for too long and the baby won't be able to grow because my fatness has taken up all the room my abdomen allows.  Like a gold fish that grows to the size of its container what if my fat rolls inhibit my baby's development and I end up with a baby the size of a doll?  This fear is only fueled by the stories my mother in law tells that my sister in law was so small when she was born she had to make clothes for her out of baby doll dress patterns.  And not to imply that my MIL is fat by any means.  It just goes to show that super small babies are in the chromosomal mix.

2.  Someone breaking in to the house.  Juanito has been out of town off and on recently and I battle the "What If" game.  What if someone broke into the house while I'm in the shower?  Or upstairs with The Boy?  Or in the backyard?  My cell phone is somewhere else and we don't have a land line.  What would I do?  I agonize over each step thinking that formulating a plan will ease the anxiety but its only really just fuels it.  I might have an escape route drafted in my head, but I also have a racing heart rate and sweaty palms.  This has caused me to start looking at getting a land line as well as where to strategically put the phones in case of an intruder. 

3. The baby moving.  This ties into item number 1.  I've started feeling the baby move and when I do it freaks me out because I'm afraid of squishing the baby.  Last night this happened so I stretched out on the couch until I didn't feel it anymore. This curbed the beginnings of an anxiety attack. It occurred to me that in the near future I won't have this luxury because the baby will be bigger and will be felt regardless of what position I am.  So will I just have to have the meltdown?  How will I function if I am always two steps away from a complete meltdown?

4. Wearing too tight of clothes.  I bought the belly band when I was like 8 weeks along because I didn't want to wear tight clothes.  Because of issue number 1.  Also it was uncomfortable.  But really it goes back to being afraid of squishing the baby.  If I could wear yoga pants to work I would. 

5. Getting in an accident.  I worry about getting into a car accident, or even any accident that might land me in the hospital.  I worry about how we will juggle The Boy.  Which hospital will I be at and will it be convenient to our house?  Will The Boy still be able to go to daycare?

I know that ALL of this is ludicrous to worry about but I do.  Dear Lord I do.  I wonder about it when I'm driving to work.  Or taking a shower.  Or trying to fall asleep.  I worry about everything under the sun happening and try and figure a solution of every possible scenario.  Its exhausting. 

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