Here we go again on our own.....

Pardon me we saw Rock Star over the weekend and the ballads are still racing through my brain. 

My PAP is scheduled for Thursday. Too much too soon? Well none the less, my annual is due in June. Last year at this time I asked to go off of birth control and to start charting. It's a year later and I have yet to ovulate. I have had four periods all chemically induced. I attempted to be normal and it did not happen. So I want to talk to the doctor about getting his blessing for starting on the fertility road. 

Insurance with the new company is a little strange. I have never had this insurance and not too sure how it all works. Found out that my therapist is obviously not a fan of them. So I called the customer service line, which I’ve spoken to as much as I’ve spoken to any other insurance company during the totality of my enrollment. I digress…..

So the dingbat at customer service yesterday, and yes I did clarify yesterday to differentiate between the other dingbats I’ve spoken to in the past, told me the following:

1. My OB/GYN who I’ve been with since my son is not in the network and

2. I must pay all costs up front until my deductible is met and when its outside of the network then my deductible is $2500.

Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I choked back tears and told her that this was shitty coverage and hung up. I never claimed to be an adult.


Thankfully it was the end of the day so I quickly shut down my computer and dashed out of the office to call Juanito and fall apart. While I cried, I drove through the watery blur of traffic and blubbered to my husband.

I don’t want to leave my doctor or that office. They have a lab and ultra sound in the office and I have spent so much time with Tamika the lab tech between the blood glucose during pregnancy and the diabetic screening that I feel like she is an old friend. The nurse practitioner is a fellow cyster so when she gives me tough love I know that it’s coming from a genuine, educated place and not a place of judgment. After having The Boy I went to a few appointments for either incision checks or just routine postpartum. One time the baby was crying so hard and I was naked from the waist down and my doctor wanted to talk to discuss how things were going (aka how are the baby blues) so he just took him out of his carrier and gave him a bottle right there so we could talk. What other doctor takes such care? Another time the nurse carried The Boy around and showed him off to the office so that I could get my appointment over with. These people are not just medical staff with a smile. They are people who understand, have been there and are on the other side encouraging you to walk the trail. I can also say that the other doctors in the practice have delivered friends’ babies. I love that community and camaraderie. I don’t want to have to leave and find a new doctor.  And hope to God that I’m comfortable with that new person. Fertility and PCOS are sensitive issues and I’ve had bad experiences. I don’t want some asshat telling me that I just need to lose weight and then I’ll be fine. I want this office.

As I was driving home last night breaking down all of this for Juanito he is saying all the right things to make me feel better. Not that they are true or plausible but they soothed my breaking heart. And it’s not just because I can’t go to this office that breaks my heart. It’s because I am so paranoid/afraid/anxious/fearful/jinxed that we won’t be able to do it again. That The Boy will be an only child. That I won’t be able to experience pregnancy again. That I won’t have one more baby. I’m afraid that this is a sign that it will forever be just us three.

After picking up The Boy and having dinner of chicken strips and temper tantrums. After pajamas, brushing teeth and watching Poppy Cat and Nina tell Star a sandy story and giving hugs and kisses to every stuffed animal on his bed, I got back on the insurance web site. I eventually found my doctor in their network. For whatever reason the dingbat at customer service couldn’t find him but he was there. I wanted to cry again, only tears of joy. Regardless of cost (yet again) we bravely will move forward with our family. 

I do recognize that I had, what for me is a major melt down over what is essentially a PAP smear appointment. I totally see how that is crazy and yes I worry about adding in dosages of hormones to heightened that.  Yes, I am concerned.  I feel that there is so much pressure this time around.  I'm afraid to tell people that we're gonna maybe try again.  See I can't even say it here.  I've had people tell me that since we've had one it's super easy to do it again.  They don't know shit about my situation, let alone fertility or PCOS.  When it was the first time I guess my feelings and emotions where hardened against the pain of failure.  I didn't know what I was missing so it was easy to brush it off.  This time I know and I want it even worse than before.  Before I could resign that we weren't meant to have a family.  This time I know we can, but can we again?   

I used to not want for a lot of things. As I mentioned my husband wants everything and wants it now. I have always been pretty content with what I have and anything new is just an added bonus. But recently I have started spending more time with a friend who seems to have a constantly growing list of things she wants, needs achievements, her Bucket List she calls it. I guess I thought a bucket list was something that comes at a mid-point in our lives when we look to see what we’ve done and what we still want to do with the time left. I think I recoiled from such a list at this point in my life because well, fuck I’m only 33 years old. The end is not near so why start a list of things that need to be accomplished before the big sleep?


The other problem that I have is that when faced with a list of "To-Dos" I do. I get shit done. There is nothing more satisfying that crossing things off my list. And many bucket-worthy things require money and we all know that I don't have that just laying around these days. So again, why make a list when you can't complete it in a reasonable time.  Perhaps lists are only short term for me.  A list left incomplete is a visual of how I have failed somewhere.  Don't need more of those reminders hanging around.


So I recently learned about Rock Boat and its as if I don’t know what my life was like before knowing about it. Every element calls my name. I clicked around the web site and researched past Rock Boats, I realized that this is something that I want, no need to do. I feel as if my soul needs to feed on a boat of drunken music lovers and my mental stability will be forever in question until I go. Ah, shit, I have a Bucket List.


With my ample Internet time, I have been exploring more blogs (I should mention that I love when bloggers recommend other bloggers). And the pictures on them are a-mazin’. So often I feel that my words fall short when trying to tell a story and a picture would do so much better. But my little point and click is S.L.O.W. and even though there is the anti-shake on the camera (the actual technical term escapes me) the pictures are always blurry. Again, with my ample time I started researching cameras and what is the real price opposed to some astronomical number in my head. And I start to think this is a possibility if…. Well, mainly if I have a stable job, but some other “ifs” along with that. And now suddenly I have a want of something that I can’t just run to Target for.


Why I even bring this up is because I wonder if this is because I have time on my hands and no money? Have I started looking at the Joneses and to see what they have and see what might spark something green inside of me? Or am I expanding my horizons and experiencing new things. Thus, seeing the possibilities that lie within our daily existence?  Its hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure that if I had a camera I could take a picture and figure it out!