Must See TV

I don’t know a person my age that can’t agree that television has shaped our lives, unless you’re Amish. But then I would wonder why you’re reading this. Perhaps you’re Breaking Amish?? Anyways, TV has shaped me to the extent that I’m not even sure if I would be who I am today had it not been for TV. And personally I think that is not a bad thing. At all.

Growing up we had basic cable. That meant as kids we were living high on the hog watching lots of Nick at Night. Our summers were defined by Dobie Gillis reruns because “he wants a gal who’s dreamy; Dobie (!) wants a gal to call his own!” I know the entire theme song to The Patty Duke show. Test me. (There's Cathy who is be most everywhere…..) Oh and my middle sister started her obsession with aprons because of Donna Reed. Needless to say I guess TV ruled our summers along with late night swimming, swap coolers battling AC and ice cream straight outta the tub. Later in life it was MTV where I watched the first season of The Real World when one of my best friends at the time came to middle school saying “I get to be a whor-rah.” Oh and glued to the Kurt Cobain suicide coverage even though my sister and my Mom made fun of me! I digress.

There were also blips on the cable memory where one of premium channels would do a free weekend as a sampler. So for an entire weekend we were glued to HBO or Cinemax or whatever else was free. This is where we first watched Soap Dish, Just One of the Guys and The Burbs, which easily is one of the most quoted movies of all time between my sister and me. In fact I would bet that if I called her right now and said “Hey, Pinocchio, where’d ya think you’re going?” She would respond with “It came with the frame” or “What’d ya think they’re eating over there Ray?”

So anyways, it was during one of these lovely freebie weekends I discovered this….

If you have never seen this movie, stop right now and go find it on Netflix or Hulu or wherever else you find random movies on. John Waters brings together Johnny Depp, Rikki Lake, Iggy Popp, Tracy Lords, Polly Bergen …so much random hilarity!

Crybaby, which can only be said in a hillbilly yell “CRRIIIIIIIBAAAAYAAABEEEEE”, was my first introduction to satire comedy and I fell in love. And it’s my favorite John Walters movie (not that I can think of anymore….). The first time I saw this movie I started watching it probably 20 minutes after it started and was confused. Was it supposed to be funny or was this just a really bad movie? Well it was hilarious, and silly and stupid and there were songs! Great wonderfully stupid songs! Looking back from the vantage point of time I realized that this movie impacted me more than it should have. I realize that I thought flirting was what Lenore did (“Look Crybaby you scorch me man”) and I’m pretty sure that my innate dancing skills came from the entire cast. Which would explain why I dance hideously.

Kinda like this….

Mad Dancing School Teacher Right HERE!

So many great lines from this movie!“Hysterectomy pants I call them!”“Whiffles!” (Which was a haircut according to my Mom)“Inga’s mater and vater will treat you just like one of the family, ja Inga? Ja? Ja? Ja?”“Ya caught me in my burday suit! Butt neckette!”“I’m gonna see you in hell my friend. HAHAHA Go on and get on out there!”“Wanda, honey, you sure are pretty in those tight close all painted up like trash!”I will forever announce people like Grandma Ricketts, in my head that is. And oy and when he drinks the cup of tears I gag every time! I love reliving old movies and TV shows.  Its a nice warm trip down memory lane.  Back to a time when we were silly and funny and not too judgmental.  What is your favorite movie from your younger days????

Ass Without Regard

Its Friday and my deadline at work is trying kill me.  Slowly.  Like the Chinese torture of dripping water on your forehead while strapped to a table. 

I am practing all sorts of self-control to not eliminate one individual from the Earth.  How I wish I had the balls to verbally berate someone via messenger....  Oh to be an ass without regard. 

In stead I am trying to find solice in a whole lotta Dave and the fact that the jeans I'm wearing were only $2.50 from Goodwill and I forgot I had them.  Imagine my surprise when I pulled these outta the stack this morning.  It was a like I bought them all over again! 

Happy Friday Everyone, er , Everytwo.

Do you hear what you're saying?

Ok so this story starts a while ago on a bright and sunny Saturday (its always bight and sunny in Phoenix) We were going to some event that has nothing to do with this story.  The point being I had gotten out of the shower and was hanging out on the couch in my robe (not getting ready) and chatting with Juanito while The Boy played with his toys.  When I stood up my robe fell open a little bit and I saw The Boy's line of vision honed in on my exposed nether regions. Juanito and I exchanged a look and I quickly covered up but not before The Boy could yell out an adamant "YUCK!"  Juanito and I busted up laughing. I escape into the bathroom to actually get ready and Juanito explained to The Boy that someday he might like that but he should never like his mom's. (Yes I admit that this might be too much too soon, but we like to be honest at all turns.  Even when we're talking Mom's cooter.)

Fast forward to another bright and sunny day in Phoenix (again like Philadelphia its always bright and sunny but with less Danny Devito).  Pretty much the same scenario, we're suppose to be going somewhere but this time I'm getting ready for the shower when The Boy insists that he too needs to bathe.  So we never want to turn down an opportunity for a clean kid we obliged, stripped him down and popped him into the shower with me.  It was going quite well until he started with the tractor beam stare into my lady parts.  I matter of factly state that that is Mom's private parts and its time to get out of the shower.  But before Juanito could get the towel and get him out of the shower The Boy belts out a resounding "YUCK!" 

So earlier this week when The Boy ran into our bedroom and I was fresh out of the shower and drying off I should have know.  While he was climbing on the bed I saw him looking at me out of the corner of his eye.  He is totally aware that Mom does not look like Dad nor him.  And its strange.  And when the confused look traveled lower and went from confused to disgusted I was already reaching for my clothes.  As expected he announced "YUCK!" to the room.  I quickly gathered my clothes as he quickly climbed off the bed calling after me "Me see?"  No.  No you can not inspect Mom's crotch. 

It doesn't matter how straight forward you want to be with your kids at one point there will be a line and you might not know its there until you (or he) have crossed it.  But what it made me think about is sometimes I find myself saying things that I never fathomed I would say. 

Such as.....
"Get Batman out of the dishwasher."
"Leave Mom's tush.  Stop.  Quick hitting my ass."
"Don't open the car door" (Note I was driving on the freeway at the time.)

What about you?  What ridiculous statement have you found yourself saying with such authority and then resisted the urge to make fun of yourself??

HUMORIST

I have a horrible sense of humor.  I find obscure things funny and make connections to things that no one outside of my head would. And the term “inside joke” was reserved for me and my brain because we’re like the hippest bestie ever.  Eh-va!  Well, except maybe my sister who probably has the same random thought floating through her head, even though she won’t admit it. That’s ok Patty Auchenbachenmeisterduex, we’ll tell everybody later. 

Also I have like no boundaries whatsoever.  I blame my mother.  It’s not like she didn’t breast feed me long enough or because she hit me with the red brush when I was little for squirming too much while trying to do my hair for Picture Day.  No, she was, is, a nurse.  And my sister who is nine years my senior became a nurse.  She started nursing school when I was in junior high school therefore a lot of my adolescent and teen years were peppered with medical terms.  When I was like twelve I used to look things up in the Taber’s Medical Dictionary (the green one) and diagnosed the family dog, Muffie, with diverticulitis.  Well, not the dog, but the patient she was playing in our hospital.  She has a file you know.  Anyways, growing up where your dinner conversation was about digital stimulation for a bowel program of a man who was a quadriplegic is, well, not normal.  Apparently.   But it does desensitize you to things that make other people squirm.  I can talk about bodily fluids and functions pretty well for someone who is not practicing medicine on a daily basis.  I personally don’t enjoy dealing with poop and vomit, but I’ll gag my way through it. Well, scratch that, the dogs’ vomit does me in pretty easily, especially if its after they ate poop.