Thursday, November 29, 2012
Unmentionable
Since its only November 29th, I'm not allowing myself to go all mistletoe, snowflakes and reindeer on your asses. The level of self-restraint I'm practicing here is mind boggling. But I will share this....
I love the segway from Thanksgiving to the holiday that I'm not mentioning yet. Just so you know, I order my Unmentionable picture and am writing my Unmentionable letter. Juanito got the Unmentionable decorations down the other night and started putting up the Unmentionable lights with the assistance of The Boy. Also we're picking out the Unmentionable tree tomorrow so we can blow up Unmentionable, Gangam-style, on Sunday.
Monday, November 26, 2012
You've Been Warned
Such a big weekend and there are so many stories to tell….where to begin? First, Thanksgiving parade with The Boy was fun. He loved Charlie Brown but mainly because he had a football. I don’t think he understood that they were ginormous balloons. Since we were up early, we watched the CBS coverage of the parade, which is NOT the Macy’s Parade. Kind of a letdown if I am to be honest. The rest of Thanksgiving was a jumble of family and list making and researching the ads and researching again. Needless to say, The Boy did not nap. So we played and watched movies and ate chips and dip (actually we filled up on chips and dip) and went through the ads, or at least I did.
After dinner we did not stick around for pie because I had a date with Schmacey and Schmaren at 7 pm at my house. We were loaded with sale bills and lists and ready to go. We hit up Walmart, Target, Kohls and Old Navy before dropping dead due to exhaustion at 2:30 am. Schmaren was back up at 4:30 am to go to Cabela’s. God bless her sleep-deprived heart. But I was successful in getting ALL of my Christmas shopping done. Everything! Everyone! There is such a sense of accomplishment that I can’t begin to explain. This is why I do Black Friday. Yes, there is pushing. Yes, there are lines like nothing I would ever contend with. I don’t drive on freeways during rush hour because I hate lines. But there is something about the camaraderie of complete strangers that makes this congestion tolerable. The method we’ve created is that one person hangs out with the cart and the other people go out looking for a few items. So in Walmart I hid in the bedding isle and Schmacey and Schmaren kept returning with new things. Schmaren brought back six Monster High dolls because Schmacey and I both needed one and she wasn’t sure which one so she grabbed two of each. This was how we rolled through each store. And man it was fun. Despite the rather ghetto man in line next to me in Walmart who kept telling this story of how he was threatening people for the scooters (scooters? Really? This is what we brawl over?) And the unfortunate number of people who decided that the holidays meant no bath, it was fun! The back end of Schmacey’s Yukon was packed almost to the top and damn I was tired when we made it home. (Seriously felt hung over the next day) but I so enjoy those two girls and any time spent with them is a blast.
After sleeping forever (Thank you Juanito!) we got all gussied up (yes I sound like my Grandma there) and went downtown for our family photos. I am playing around with those and will order my Christmas cards soon. Maybe tonight depending on the Cyber Monday sales. After photos, Juanito headed out of town with some friends for a weekend at The Dunes. He was reluctant to go because of the drive, but I pushed because we parents need breaks from being the roles that we accumulate as we get older. Some times we just need to be us and if that involves quad at high speeds through the sand dunes of the Mohave desert, then so be it. As long as he comes back in one piece and with a smile that is all I ask. And he did.
The rest of the weekend I spent with my niece Red and we had a glorious time. I’ll write about that later. So another successful Black Friday under my belt – yay! I normally refrain from too much Christmas until the first of December, but be warned it’s my most favoritest holiday of all.
After dinner we did not stick around for pie because I had a date with Schmacey and Schmaren at 7 pm at my house. We were loaded with sale bills and lists and ready to go. We hit up Walmart, Target, Kohls and Old Navy before dropping dead due to exhaustion at 2:30 am. Schmaren was back up at 4:30 am to go to Cabela’s. God bless her sleep-deprived heart. But I was successful in getting ALL of my Christmas shopping done. Everything! Everyone! There is such a sense of accomplishment that I can’t begin to explain. This is why I do Black Friday. Yes, there is pushing. Yes, there are lines like nothing I would ever contend with. I don’t drive on freeways during rush hour because I hate lines. But there is something about the camaraderie of complete strangers that makes this congestion tolerable. The method we’ve created is that one person hangs out with the cart and the other people go out looking for a few items. So in Walmart I hid in the bedding isle and Schmacey and Schmaren kept returning with new things. Schmaren brought back six Monster High dolls because Schmacey and I both needed one and she wasn’t sure which one so she grabbed two of each. This was how we rolled through each store. And man it was fun. Despite the rather ghetto man in line next to me in Walmart who kept telling this story of how he was threatening people for the scooters (scooters? Really? This is what we brawl over?) And the unfortunate number of people who decided that the holidays meant no bath, it was fun! The back end of Schmacey’s Yukon was packed almost to the top and damn I was tired when we made it home. (Seriously felt hung over the next day) but I so enjoy those two girls and any time spent with them is a blast.
After sleeping forever (Thank you Juanito!) we got all gussied up (yes I sound like my Grandma there) and went downtown for our family photos. I am playing around with those and will order my Christmas cards soon. Maybe tonight depending on the Cyber Monday sales. After photos, Juanito headed out of town with some friends for a weekend at The Dunes. He was reluctant to go because of the drive, but I pushed because we parents need breaks from being the roles that we accumulate as we get older. Some times we just need to be us and if that involves quad at high speeds through the sand dunes of the Mohave desert, then so be it. As long as he comes back in one piece and with a smile that is all I ask. And he did.
The rest of the weekend I spent with my niece Red and we had a glorious time. I’ll write about that later. So another successful Black Friday under my belt – yay! I normally refrain from too much Christmas until the first of December, but be warned it’s my most favoritest holiday of all.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
The Plan
So for the next few days I get to steep in family, food, fun and shopping. This is my thanksgiving weekend! Here is the plan:
Cinnamon rolls and the Thanksgiving parade. We don’t leave until Santa shows up! I’m curious to see if the parade will be entertaining for The Boy this year. After the parade we start the holiday madness.
First we head out to my parent’s house where I will force everyone to go through the sale bills and make their Christmas lists. These lists will be typed up and distributed throughout the family because come December 18th Dad is gonna ask, “What does your mother want for Christmas?” and I can tell him to check out the list. While some people’s lists have been a few columns long on legal paper (Cee) others have only had three items (GG). Before their Thanksgiving dinner is served at noon we will skedaddle out to Juanito’s parent’s house. There we will put The Boy down for a much need nap and gorge ourselves on chips and dip. I will plan my shopping adventures that are starting earlier and earlier these days. When The Boy wakes up we will do our thanksgiving dinner. We will promptly leave because I’ve got a date with Schmacey and Schmaren to stand in line for Monster High Dolls and Legos and , according to the Christmas angels I pulled from the Christmas tree at work, a Dream Light pillow pet (dog) and Barbie and accessories (because that bitch never travels light). Oh and then Cabela’s because apparently that scope is a good deal and if you’re gonna get Chad one I want one too…..
If we sleep then we‘re lucky, but if not that’s how we roll. God speed all my other Black Friday Shoppers
Cinnamon rolls and the Thanksgiving parade. We don’t leave until Santa shows up! I’m curious to see if the parade will be entertaining for The Boy this year. After the parade we start the holiday madness.
First we head out to my parent’s house where I will force everyone to go through the sale bills and make their Christmas lists. These lists will be typed up and distributed throughout the family because come December 18th Dad is gonna ask, “What does your mother want for Christmas?” and I can tell him to check out the list. While some people’s lists have been a few columns long on legal paper (Cee) others have only had three items (GG). Before their Thanksgiving dinner is served at noon we will skedaddle out to Juanito’s parent’s house. There we will put The Boy down for a much need nap and gorge ourselves on chips and dip. I will plan my shopping adventures that are starting earlier and earlier these days. When The Boy wakes up we will do our thanksgiving dinner. We will promptly leave because I’ve got a date with Schmacey and Schmaren to stand in line for Monster High Dolls and Legos and , according to the Christmas angels I pulled from the Christmas tree at work, a Dream Light pillow pet (dog) and Barbie and accessories (because that bitch never travels light). Oh and then Cabela’s because apparently that scope is a good deal and if you’re gonna get Chad one I want one too…..
If we sleep then we‘re lucky, but if not that’s how we roll. God speed all my other Black Friday Shoppers
Thanksgiving Post
As it is Wednesday before Thanksgiving I thought I would cast aside my doom and gloom postings that I’ve been having lately and focus on fun and giving thanks. And in by doing so I want to look back on a few Thanksgivings.
The Early Thanksgivings
Growing up in Nebraska for the short time that I did I very distinctly remember holidays. They were split between my grandparents’ homes, Thanksgiving at Grandma A’s house meant Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa’s house asn that switched every year. Grandma A’s house was a little white house that had two bedrooms and an attic that was scary and fun. The front porch was pretty empty since the door that every entered through was the enclosed back porch. I found out later that the porch and the bathroom where added at some point after my Dad was a kid. Its hard to imagine that my Dad had an outhouse. Anyways, my Dad’s family is on the bigger side, seven boys and one girl, my Dad is the youngest. When we still lived in the town that my Dad was born in (and we were born there too) I had a few uncles and their families who lived in the same small town. But come the holidays pretty much everyone came home. I remember Grandma's long drive way being jam packed with cars as people drove in from other places and my cousins, being significantly older than me, had their cars too. What that house must have looked like from the road, teeming with people.
In the house crammed Uncle Verne, Aunt Marilyn, their boys Greg and Brad; Uncle Von and Aunt Gwen and their kids Holly, Heidi and Heath, Aunt Maryann and Uncle Dave from Lincoln with their daughters Kelly and Lori; Uncle Richard and Aunt Bobbie also from Lincoln with their daughters Angie and Joni; Uncle Joyce and Aunt Laura rarely made it out to the eastern part of the state for the holidays but when they did they brought their boys Mark, Steve and Danny. Uncle Gale and Aunt Adell would drive down from Minnesota a few years and bring with them Chad, Todd and Ryan. Then Uncle Gary and Aunt Jan would drive down from Omaha with Trevor and Shannon. Add in our family of five and that brought the grand total to 38 people all crammed into a little white house on the other side of the train tracks.
Growing up everyone smoked because it was the 80s and that’s what everyone did. I remember a vast majority of the adults would be on the little porch where it would be cold since it wasn’t insolated but ventilated for the smokers. Everyone brought a dish and the dining room table would be covered in a smorgasbord of food. When the food was ready Grandma A, decked out in her holiday polyester pants and sweat, would gruffly tell everyone to “come and eat.” My aunts would sing the Doxology with a few kids joining in and the men shuffling their feet and my Mom would inevitably harmonize because she can’t stop herself. Then it was men first and then kids and then the women to fill their plates. Card tables were set up where there was room and if you got a seat you must be higher up on the ladder than others. I remember eating on the floor at the coffee table with my middle sister a lot. Writing this now I can smell the bread baking and heard the floor boards creak with the weight of rambunctious kids. I can hear the different conversations and smell the smoke that would waft in from the porch. I hear my Mom’s voice telling a story (she’s a good story teller) and the laughter above all else.
We say that my Dad’s family isn’t very communicative or demonstrative in their love, which is true. But these memories I hold dear to me because they are the foundation of my Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re surrounded by family or those you call family.
A Sunny Thanksgiving
The first Thanksgiving in Phoenix was hard for my parents I think. I was nine and as long as I was with my family I guess I didn't know any better. But my mom missed her parents and I think my dad missed his family and I think that void was felt by everyone, even Muffie our family dog. My Mom tried hard to make the day festive, even when I know her heart wasn’t in it. To add to the lack of family, the weather didn’t help much. It was in the upper 70s making the sweaters that we would have normally worn with turtle necks and corduroys stifling. We had our turkey dinner on a picnic table in our back yard under the one sad little tree and the blazing sun. My middle sister and I made pilgrim bibs for everyone to wear, God bless us, even Dad wore one. This was the year of that Mom was attacked by the Indians (she walked into a tree branch and it scratched her face). It also started the tradition of calling home for the holidays.
This year it will be 80 degrees for Thanksgiving Day. Its hard to get in the holiday mood for so many when its vacation weather. But honestly, while I have great memories of Thanksgiving in Nebraska, this is how Thanksvgiving is for me. Shorts and flip flops and turkey and stuffing, they all go hand in hand. I've had Thanksgiving in Nebraska as an adult and while it was toasty and warm, it wasn't better. I was still with family and we still ate way too much and laughed too loudly and planned our Black Friday shopping.
The Next Level
As the years went on, my family created our own traditions and our own sense of Thanksgiving sans snow and chilly weather. Once Juanito and I started dating, seriously, that meant combining holidays. It was at this point many many years ago that I said I will spend Thanksgiving with your family as long as I get Christmas morning with my family. I didn’t know that I set precedence for years and years to come. So Thanksgiving of 2002 was spent with my future in-laws. It was strange to say the least. There weren’t mounds of food that my Mom always prepares even when they say the budget won’t allow it. There wasn’t the constant noise of kids and the hustle and bustle of people and dogs and comings and goings and animated conversations and football games turned up so that someone can hear it over the noise. It was just us, my in-laws and my sister in law and her boyfriend at the time. It was calm and quiet and just different. There was no turkey, instead like a turkey roll. There weren’t enough of us to warrant a full turkey I guess. The TV was turned off and music was played and wine was served, but we were all in relaxed clothes, nothing dressy or fancy. I was so on edge being with his family that I didn’t appreciate it until I went back to my parent’s house the next day and the majority of the family was still there being loud and running amok. I realized that constant commotion is not necessarily part of Thanksgiving. And while it might make it fun, so does giving your future mother in law too much wine ‘cuz it makes her silly.
So where ever you are this Thanksgiving, stuck in a too small house with too much family, or braving your new traditions or getting drunk with your family, may you be surrounded by love and thankful for your surroundings.
The Early Thanksgivings
Growing up in Nebraska for the short time that I did I very distinctly remember holidays. They were split between my grandparents’ homes, Thanksgiving at Grandma A’s house meant Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa’s house asn that switched every year. Grandma A’s house was a little white house that had two bedrooms and an attic that was scary and fun. The front porch was pretty empty since the door that every entered through was the enclosed back porch. I found out later that the porch and the bathroom where added at some point after my Dad was a kid. Its hard to imagine that my Dad had an outhouse. Anyways, my Dad’s family is on the bigger side, seven boys and one girl, my Dad is the youngest. When we still lived in the town that my Dad was born in (and we were born there too) I had a few uncles and their families who lived in the same small town. But come the holidays pretty much everyone came home. I remember Grandma's long drive way being jam packed with cars as people drove in from other places and my cousins, being significantly older than me, had their cars too. What that house must have looked like from the road, teeming with people.
In the house crammed Uncle Verne, Aunt Marilyn, their boys Greg and Brad; Uncle Von and Aunt Gwen and their kids Holly, Heidi and Heath, Aunt Maryann and Uncle Dave from Lincoln with their daughters Kelly and Lori; Uncle Richard and Aunt Bobbie also from Lincoln with their daughters Angie and Joni; Uncle Joyce and Aunt Laura rarely made it out to the eastern part of the state for the holidays but when they did they brought their boys Mark, Steve and Danny. Uncle Gale and Aunt Adell would drive down from Minnesota a few years and bring with them Chad, Todd and Ryan. Then Uncle Gary and Aunt Jan would drive down from Omaha with Trevor and Shannon. Add in our family of five and that brought the grand total to 38 people all crammed into a little white house on the other side of the train tracks.
Growing up everyone smoked because it was the 80s and that’s what everyone did. I remember a vast majority of the adults would be on the little porch where it would be cold since it wasn’t insolated but ventilated for the smokers. Everyone brought a dish and the dining room table would be covered in a smorgasbord of food. When the food was ready Grandma A, decked out in her holiday polyester pants and sweat, would gruffly tell everyone to “come and eat.” My aunts would sing the Doxology with a few kids joining in and the men shuffling their feet and my Mom would inevitably harmonize because she can’t stop herself. Then it was men first and then kids and then the women to fill their plates. Card tables were set up where there was room and if you got a seat you must be higher up on the ladder than others. I remember eating on the floor at the coffee table with my middle sister a lot. Writing this now I can smell the bread baking and heard the floor boards creak with the weight of rambunctious kids. I can hear the different conversations and smell the smoke that would waft in from the porch. I hear my Mom’s voice telling a story (she’s a good story teller) and the laughter above all else.
We say that my Dad’s family isn’t very communicative or demonstrative in their love, which is true. But these memories I hold dear to me because they are the foundation of my Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re surrounded by family or those you call family.
A Sunny Thanksgiving
The first Thanksgiving in Phoenix was hard for my parents I think. I was nine and as long as I was with my family I guess I didn't know any better. But my mom missed her parents and I think my dad missed his family and I think that void was felt by everyone, even Muffie our family dog. My Mom tried hard to make the day festive, even when I know her heart wasn’t in it. To add to the lack of family, the weather didn’t help much. It was in the upper 70s making the sweaters that we would have normally worn with turtle necks and corduroys stifling. We had our turkey dinner on a picnic table in our back yard under the one sad little tree and the blazing sun. My middle sister and I made pilgrim bibs for everyone to wear, God bless us, even Dad wore one. This was the year of that Mom was attacked by the Indians (she walked into a tree branch and it scratched her face). It also started the tradition of calling home for the holidays.
This year it will be 80 degrees for Thanksgiving Day. Its hard to get in the holiday mood for so many when its vacation weather. But honestly, while I have great memories of Thanksgiving in Nebraska, this is how Thanksvgiving is for me. Shorts and flip flops and turkey and stuffing, they all go hand in hand. I've had Thanksgiving in Nebraska as an adult and while it was toasty and warm, it wasn't better. I was still with family and we still ate way too much and laughed too loudly and planned our Black Friday shopping.
The Next Level
As the years went on, my family created our own traditions and our own sense of Thanksgiving sans snow and chilly weather. Once Juanito and I started dating, seriously, that meant combining holidays. It was at this point many many years ago that I said I will spend Thanksgiving with your family as long as I get Christmas morning with my family. I didn’t know that I set precedence for years and years to come. So Thanksgiving of 2002 was spent with my future in-laws. It was strange to say the least. There weren’t mounds of food that my Mom always prepares even when they say the budget won’t allow it. There wasn’t the constant noise of kids and the hustle and bustle of people and dogs and comings and goings and animated conversations and football games turned up so that someone can hear it over the noise. It was just us, my in-laws and my sister in law and her boyfriend at the time. It was calm and quiet and just different. There was no turkey, instead like a turkey roll. There weren’t enough of us to warrant a full turkey I guess. The TV was turned off and music was played and wine was served, but we were all in relaxed clothes, nothing dressy or fancy. I was so on edge being with his family that I didn’t appreciate it until I went back to my parent’s house the next day and the majority of the family was still there being loud and running amok. I realized that constant commotion is not necessarily part of Thanksgiving. And while it might make it fun, so does giving your future mother in law too much wine ‘cuz it makes her silly.
So where ever you are this Thanksgiving, stuck in a too small house with too much family, or braving your new traditions or getting drunk with your family, may you be surrounded by love and thankful for your surroundings.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
the Impossible, again
Its Tuesday, or Turkey Tuesday as our local TV station has dubbed it. And while I want to write something entertaining and pithy or even pithily entertaining about Thanksgiving, my mind is a jumble of things. I met with Dr. Curmudgeon last night and it was really one of the first times that I’ve been with him when I wanted to lay down on his leather love seat and just pour out my head onto the floor and say please fix this and put it back. I did not leave his office revived or with a clear vision of what the days ahead would be like, which is sometimes part of the after-glow of counseling. Instead I left blurred and muddled and a little heavy-hearted. But I think I’ve been heavy –hearted for some time now.
You see, I had my appointment with the gyno-doctor, what they call the Clomid Check. It’s to see if I ovulated and if I developed any cysts. And while all signs look good, it is hard to hold on to hope. I feel like I am hanging on to a balloon and every elevated temp, every fertile looking CM, every indication of ovulation and possible pregnancy inflates that balloon. But by this point in the game, I’m standing here with a ginormous balloon that I am scared will pop at any moment. And I am scared that it’s going to pop and leave me with nothing. So I start to step back the hope. Reel in the prayers. Slowly letting a little bit of air out at a time.
I struggle with letting the balloon continue to grow and rise and float away or that it will become overwhelmed with all this hope and want and desire and wishes that it will explode in a loud burst and leave me as the debris. I never know how to handle this part of the fertility dance. But bottom line, if the balloon float away or if pops; only time will tell. And since it’s that season, give thanks for those I have, have a little faith and believe in the impossible, again.
You see, I had my appointment with the gyno-doctor, what they call the Clomid Check. It’s to see if I ovulated and if I developed any cysts. And while all signs look good, it is hard to hold on to hope. I feel like I am hanging on to a balloon and every elevated temp, every fertile looking CM, every indication of ovulation and possible pregnancy inflates that balloon. But by this point in the game, I’m standing here with a ginormous balloon that I am scared will pop at any moment. And I am scared that it’s going to pop and leave me with nothing. So I start to step back the hope. Reel in the prayers. Slowly letting a little bit of air out at a time.
I struggle with letting the balloon continue to grow and rise and float away or that it will become overwhelmed with all this hope and want and desire and wishes that it will explode in a loud burst and leave me as the debris. I never know how to handle this part of the fertility dance. But bottom line, if the balloon float away or if pops; only time will tell. And since it’s that season, give thanks for those I have, have a little faith and believe in the impossible, again.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Final Thoughts on Friday...er, Monday
So I completely forgot about the whole final thoughts thing until a few minutes ago. So I kept it up for like two weeks in a row. That's good right?? So anyways, here were my thoughts on Friday but I'm making them up today. But let's be honest I'm making them up every day. That's how I roll. So without further adieu, Final Thoughts
1. Am I ovulating right this very moment? How about now?
2. Is the day over yet (applicable Friday and Monday)?
3. What's up with the weird sickness thingy I've been sporting the last few days?
4. How many pies am I making? Do people even want an unsolicited pie? What kinda monster turns down free pie?
1. Am I ovulating right this very moment? How about now?
2. Is the day over yet (applicable Friday and Monday)?
3. What's up with the weird sickness thingy I've been sporting the last few days?
4. How many pies am I making? Do people even want an unsolicited pie? What kinda monster turns down free pie?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Messages
Many many moons ago, before Juantio and I were Mr. & Mrs., we took our living in sin to the next level and moved out of an apartment and into a house. It was a real house that I got to decorate and clean and maintain. Oy, the maintenance. Juanito fought those damn sprinklers like every weekend and we rarely had green grass to show for it. Anyways….
So it was like the first week that we had moved in, bright and early in the morning. The sun was barely starting to rise and of course Juanito was already gone to work. I woke up all groggy and saw plain as day a little boy standing at the foot of my bed. Scared the crap out of me. I buried myself in blankets and then peeked back out. Yep, he was still there. Little tow-head boy with a black tee shirt on that was obviously an adult size because it hung on him down to his feet. I called for Cass to get in bed with me, which of course she did. I cuddled her under the blankets and a few moments later checked the foot of the bed. He was gone. I remember that this was when we first moved in because we didn’t have our TV set up yet so I couldn’t turn it on to drowned out the fear. I was convinced that every time I woke up he would be there. But he never re-appeared so eventually the fear subsided and over time I completely forgot about him.
Fast forward through a wedding, some health scares, buying a house, fertility treatments and then pregnancy and giving birth and having a baby. As the The Boy grew and morphed from an infant to a baby to a bigger baby to a toddler, I realized how eerily he looks like the little boy that was at the foot of my bed. I have come to think that the little visitor was just a heads up of sorts. Just my guardian angels telling me “you’re gonna go through some crap but this is what is waiting for you on the other side.” It’s a good reward.
This morning while we were getting ready for the day, I walked out of our bathroom and The Boy was standing there watching the TV in our room. Standing at the foot of the bed, he was leaning on it and striking a very similar pose of that little boy. I have never seen or dreamt of that boy or any other children since that August morning. I do wonder if there is a companion for that little boy. Will there be another tow-headed little person in our house some day? I wish my guardian angels would tell me that.
So it was like the first week that we had moved in, bright and early in the morning. The sun was barely starting to rise and of course Juanito was already gone to work. I woke up all groggy and saw plain as day a little boy standing at the foot of my bed. Scared the crap out of me. I buried myself in blankets and then peeked back out. Yep, he was still there. Little tow-head boy with a black tee shirt on that was obviously an adult size because it hung on him down to his feet. I called for Cass to get in bed with me, which of course she did. I cuddled her under the blankets and a few moments later checked the foot of the bed. He was gone. I remember that this was when we first moved in because we didn’t have our TV set up yet so I couldn’t turn it on to drowned out the fear. I was convinced that every time I woke up he would be there. But he never re-appeared so eventually the fear subsided and over time I completely forgot about him.
Fast forward through a wedding, some health scares, buying a house, fertility treatments and then pregnancy and giving birth and having a baby. As the The Boy grew and morphed from an infant to a baby to a bigger baby to a toddler, I realized how eerily he looks like the little boy that was at the foot of my bed. I have come to think that the little visitor was just a heads up of sorts. Just my guardian angels telling me “you’re gonna go through some crap but this is what is waiting for you on the other side.” It’s a good reward.
This morning while we were getting ready for the day, I walked out of our bathroom and The Boy was standing there watching the TV in our room. Standing at the foot of the bed, he was leaning on it and striking a very similar pose of that little boy. I have never seen or dreamt of that boy or any other children since that August morning. I do wonder if there is a companion for that little boy. Will there be another tow-headed little person in our house some day? I wish my guardian angels would tell me that.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
I woke up this morning and my temperature has not changed. I am on round three of Clomid at CD 17 and nothing has happened. I am sad. I am down. I am lost. I am afraid.
In the beginning of this cycle I really thought that this was the dose. This was the one that was going to make it happen. I’m pretty sure this was the dosage we got to before, right? But I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that this is not working. This is not the time. My heart is heavy and don’t know how to reconcile these feelings.
The first time we tried we didn’t know what was going to happen. So we took our hits and came back for more, none the wiser. This time we know that it can work. We know what it’s like to be pregnant and have a baby. We know all about it and desperately want it again, in spite of all the current craziness.
And nothing else seems to be going right. The Boy is fighting everything because his world is constantly changing. I feel guilty and uneasy about all the changes we’ve made. I feel unsettled in my job. I can’t seem to find stable ground anywhere and when I do, it’s not for every long.
I posted the other day in a chat room of other PCOS moms who are TTCing. I commented that I wish there was a magic 8 Ball to tell me when it would happen. Like if I could shake an OPK and it would tell me everything. When I would ovulate. When I would conceive. What do I need to do differently.
Unfortunately, that’s not an option. What’s the old saying, hope in one hand and shit in another and see which one fills up faster? Well if the recent bought of diarrhea in our house is any indication.....
In the beginning of this cycle I really thought that this was the dose. This was the one that was going to make it happen. I’m pretty sure this was the dosage we got to before, right? But I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that this is not working. This is not the time. My heart is heavy and don’t know how to reconcile these feelings.
The first time we tried we didn’t know what was going to happen. So we took our hits and came back for more, none the wiser. This time we know that it can work. We know what it’s like to be pregnant and have a baby. We know all about it and desperately want it again, in spite of all the current craziness.
And nothing else seems to be going right. The Boy is fighting everything because his world is constantly changing. I feel guilty and uneasy about all the changes we’ve made. I feel unsettled in my job. I can’t seem to find stable ground anywhere and when I do, it’s not for every long.
I posted the other day in a chat room of other PCOS moms who are TTCing. I commented that I wish there was a magic 8 Ball to tell me when it would happen. Like if I could shake an OPK and it would tell me everything. When I would ovulate. When I would conceive. What do I need to do differently.
Unfortunately, that’s not an option. What’s the old saying, hope in one hand and shit in another and see which one fills up faster? Well if the recent bought of diarrhea in our house is any indication.....
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I'm a Planner
I've got the blahs. I don't want to do much of anything. Which is kinda funny or ironic (I'm never really sure since that Alanis Morrisette song) since my sister, AJ, called me Ms. Planner this morning. I plan things. All sorts of strange things are planned because I'm a planner. I feel like if you don't plan it, it won't happen. So instead of being those people who talk and never do anything, I plan. I would not say that we must be on the go at all times like Schmacey, but that's because I plan our down time too.
This past weekend we had a very uneventful few days and it was intentionally planned like that. We ordered Chinese take out on Friday and Juanito rented movies and built a fort in the living room with the boy. The three of us watched The Lorax but really I watched The Boy watch The Lorax. He was attentive at most of the areas. When the Once-ler first finds the forest, The Boy squealed and clapped his hands. his little celebration was too much! He danced to the music, because thats what he does. Anyways, it was very low key Friday. Saturday was just as memorable. After gymnastics at the community center, complete with our first fire drill, we went home for a three hour family nap. Yay! We took a late afternoon drive out to see Grandma and Grandpa where The Boy ran amok for a while, sans socks in the cool rainy weather. That night, after The Boy went to sleep I left Juanito to play video games and went to hang out with AJ at Cee's baseball game. Mind you it was pretty damn cold for Phoenix so I froze my ass off bundled under Red's Hello Kitty blanket. Sunday was a day of laundry and dozing. After running amok at Grandma's house without socks in the cold cold weather it was TOTALLY shocking that The Boy ended up with a slight fever and a sluggish disposition.
A lazy weekend was just what is needed as we gear up for the holidays. Today my mind is a mess of other thoughts that don't come to fruition. So I'm working on my list of what to get who for Christmas. Doing some online research. I'm starting to scout out the Black Friday shopping. I've even recruited a friend who is super competitive which is a great skill when it comes to Black Friday. I am not a competitive person, but I am a planner. But for now I'm on hold, but planning to do something later.
This past weekend we had a very uneventful few days and it was intentionally planned like that. We ordered Chinese take out on Friday and Juanito rented movies and built a fort in the living room with the boy. The three of us watched The Lorax but really I watched The Boy watch The Lorax. He was attentive at most of the areas. When the Once-ler first finds the forest, The Boy squealed and clapped his hands. his little celebration was too much! He danced to the music, because thats what he does. Anyways, it was very low key Friday. Saturday was just as memorable. After gymnastics at the community center, complete with our first fire drill, we went home for a three hour family nap. Yay! We took a late afternoon drive out to see Grandma and Grandpa where The Boy ran amok for a while, sans socks in the cool rainy weather. That night, after The Boy went to sleep I left Juanito to play video games and went to hang out with AJ at Cee's baseball game. Mind you it was pretty damn cold for Phoenix so I froze my ass off bundled under Red's Hello Kitty blanket. Sunday was a day of laundry and dozing. After running amok at Grandma's house without socks in the cold cold weather it was TOTALLY shocking that The Boy ended up with a slight fever and a sluggish disposition.
A lazy weekend was just what is needed as we gear up for the holidays. Today my mind is a mess of other thoughts that don't come to fruition. So I'm working on my list of what to get who for Christmas. Doing some online research. I'm starting to scout out the Black Friday shopping. I've even recruited a friend who is super competitive which is a great skill when it comes to Black Friday. I am not a competitive person, but I am a planner. But for now I'm on hold, but planning to do something later.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Final Thoughts on Friday
you know I'm pretty surprised that its Friday. I don't know why. I've been happily awaiting its arrival, but now that is here I am just so excited for the weekend. Not like we have major plans or any plans what so ever. So thoughts I've been having today....
1. I've started the Christmas list. This is the list of who I have to buy for and what I'm buying them. It is usually held in a private, super-secret place until after the holidays. It is one of the very few things that only I am privy to. I just love Christmas and it just keeps getting better with The Boy.
2. I'm trying to outfit the family for our Christmas card photo shoot. I've been literally scouring the Internet for options for ME! I've dressed Juanito and The Boy because they are my little Ken dolls who I can dress however I want. Me on the other hand.....
3. We need to give The Boy, us, and daycare some time to adjust. We're doing ok, we just need time. I need to remember to sit back and enjoy the ride.
1. I've started the Christmas list. This is the list of who I have to buy for and what I'm buying them. It is usually held in a private, super-secret place until after the holidays. It is one of the very few things that only I am privy to. I just love Christmas and it just keeps getting better with The Boy.
2. I'm trying to outfit the family for our Christmas card photo shoot. I've been literally scouring the Internet for options for ME! I've dressed Juanito and The Boy because they are my little Ken dolls who I can dress however I want. Me on the other hand.....
3. We need to give The Boy, us, and daycare some time to adjust. We're doing ok, we just need time. I need to remember to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Recap of October
I know that we're like a week into November, but I thought I would forgo talking about the politics and my heavy heart and talk about more fun things!
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| The Boy after falling into the surf for the first time. I was worried about how he would react, but no problem for this guy! He was right back at it! |
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| Cee, The Boy and Red playing in the beach at Carlsbad. Watching them, all I could think was, they will never be this little again. |
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| La Jolla beach....breath takeningly beautiful. Everywhere you looked it was a postcard. |
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| Look at this face! OMERGERD! I LERV HERM!! The seals at La Jolla Beach's Children's Beach were my absolute favorite! The Boy called them Alfie (which they do resemble quite a bit) and I had to resist the urge to hug every single one of them. |
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| Best part of this picture of Cee is that I made him wait until the waves crashed into the rocks for an amazing actrion shot. After I clicked he was soaked. Good thing he is a good sport because I laughed pretty hard. |
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| Red...now you see why I named her Red. She is beautiful and doesn't even know it. She loves her braces and its as if freckles were made for her. She's gonna be a heart breaker and a ball buster. |
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| GOATS! I love goats. |
Aftermath
You would think that I should be hootin' and hollarin' and carrying on about my guy winning and I was, on the inside. Last night. But I am so disheartened by the people who are are aghast at our country's future and bashing the progress that was made. To ridicule the abortion laws and marriage equality and health care is beyond ignorant. We are all in this together but some of the passengers on this train need to be punched the fuck out just so they will stop talking (or posting). I really should learn not to reply to the idiots. I should really have my phone disabled when I'm at work. Or at least the Facebook and Twitter apps.
So four more years...yay. Seriously, I was pretty concerned yesterday about the fate of our nation. We need to be balanced and skewed back towards humanity and humility. So I pray that our country can actually come together like everyone talks about. I hope the representatives in Congress look at what the American people want and work towards that. I hope and pray for change and moving forward. I believe in movement that Obama has begun.
So four more years...yay. Seriously, I was pretty concerned yesterday about the fate of our nation. We need to be balanced and skewed back towards humanity and humility. So I pray that our country can actually come together like everyone talks about. I hope the representatives in Congress look at what the American people want and work towards that. I hope and pray for change and moving forward. I believe in movement that Obama has begun.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
American History
If you know me then you know that it is a guarantee that I will cry at dying dogs, tender family moments, and soldiers. In fact anything regarding the military, Lee Greenwood, children saluting soldiers, welcome home and goodbye parties all make me well up with tears. Ah hell I’m doing it now. So seeing the polls with lines today; the constant chatter on Facebook and Twitter about voting; everyone in the office wearing their “I VOTED TODAY” stickers, well it makes me a little misty-eyed.
Four years ago, I watched as history was made and Barack Obama was elected President of the United States and the first black president. It was awe inspiring to see the celebration throughout the country. I am so proud that overcame this hurdle in America’s history.
Four years before that was the first time Juanito voted in a presidential election. It wasn’t because he was not a US citizen (despite the moniker of Juanito and being born in Germany). He just, wait let me make sure I have this straight, “I don’t think I cared” according to his text reply.
I was raised in a house where politics were discussed at the table, need I remind you of the KidsVote debacle of 1992. But we were also taught that party affiliation was a private, personal choice and was not necessary discussed publicly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more verbal about my opinions and my political leanings. I outted myself on Facebook this summer as a Democrat *gasp* and an Obama supporter *horror*, which is equivalent to a dirty little secret here in Phoenix. So when Juanito and I were living together and inching our way towards the happily ever after, I proudly say that I made him the political tiger that he is. Yes, I called you a political tiger…rwar! We definitely do not see eye to eye on all topics, but with a healthy respect for each other and an unhealthy dose of talk radio, we keep things interesting. I will never let him live down the time he told me to shut up during the Republican Convention and maybe I would learn something. Ah, good times.
So tonight will begin another chapter in American history and I can’t begin to tell you what that will entail. I hope for longevity, prosperity, humanity, equality, and of course Lee Greenwood.
Four years before that was the first time Juanito voted in a presidential election. It wasn’t because he was not a US citizen (despite the moniker of Juanito and being born in Germany). He just, wait let me make sure I have this straight, “I don’t think I cared” according to his text reply.
I was raised in a house where politics were discussed at the table, need I remind you of the KidsVote debacle of 1992. But we were also taught that party affiliation was a private, personal choice and was not necessary discussed publicly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more verbal about my opinions and my political leanings. I outted myself on Facebook this summer as a Democrat *gasp* and an Obama supporter *horror*, which is equivalent to a dirty little secret here in Phoenix. So when Juanito and I were living together and inching our way towards the happily ever after, I proudly say that I made him the political tiger that he is. Yes, I called you a political tiger…rwar! We definitely do not see eye to eye on all topics, but with a healthy respect for each other and an unhealthy dose of talk radio, we keep things interesting. I will never let him live down the time he told me to shut up during the Republican Convention and maybe I would learn something. Ah, good times.
So tonight will begin another chapter in American history and I can’t begin to tell you what that will entail. I hope for longevity, prosperity, humanity, equality, and of course Lee Greenwood.
Monday, November 5, 2012
The clomid chronicles
So Round Two was at 100 mg of Clomid. I track my ovulation through temping which means I wake up every morning and take my temperature. Come hell or high water. I take my temperature every morning before doing anything else. I might need to pee so bad I can’t see straight but I’ve got to wait the 30 seconds to take my temperature. It sounds minuscule but it’s a major pain in my ass. EVERY. MORNING. It’s relentless. The thermometer isn’t always accurate and must be checked before moving, which requires the lights being turned on. And sometimes (read all the time) I worry that I might have moved too much and skewed the temperature. It’s just a constant that I don’t remember hating as much the first time around.
Oh and to clarify because I was asked once, I take my temperature orally. Not vaginally. Ahem.
Anyways, the cycle was pretty uneventful I thought. There were lots of pings, as I call them. I know that there was some activity in the ovary-region but nothing on the temperature chart. Also there was no indication in my cervical mucus.
But when I went in for my appointment with the doctor he was fairly certain that I did ovulate. So they took blood and two days later they asked that I go in again for more blood work, in case I ovulated late. A glimmer of hope and a sliver of maybe. But then nothing. Nada.
For me there is discomfort when I’m on Clomid, physically and emotionally. Bloating, lower back pain, and the pings that don’t stop, they are like constant reminders that something is trying to happen. Every pang and twinge is a promise that you will see your dream realized. It’s hard on your psyche to feel everything and not have the promise fulfilled. It’s hard not to think that it’s your fault that it’s not working. I know rationally that this is not within my control, as hard of a pill that is to swallow, but my heart aches.
We, Juanito and me, talk about the second baby. We plan for her and envision her in our lives. Yes, her because it’s not so much a secret that we really want a girl. We make plans for the future including her, like we will plan a trip to Disneyland when our second is old enough to enjoy it. We asked The Boy if he wants a baby. Sometimes he does and other times he is indifferent. Juanito talks about the second more than when we were trying for The Boy. I think Juanito feels there is an insurance that we'll get pregnant again since we did before. Its just a matter of time. But I can’t fully commit to this with Juanito. I feel like I stand with one foot in and another foot out. Precariously perched.
Sometimes I’m so scared of giving into the want of a second child. It’s as if I were to let go and believe that it were to happen, the crushing realization of nature saying NO will be too much for me to bear. So here I am straddling a fence between accepting what I have and wanting more. I am wordlessly and cautiously holding my heart out to the universe. Please see what is inside my heart and make it so.
Oh and to clarify because I was asked once, I take my temperature orally. Not vaginally. Ahem.
Anyways, the cycle was pretty uneventful I thought. There were lots of pings, as I call them. I know that there was some activity in the ovary-region but nothing on the temperature chart. Also there was no indication in my cervical mucus.
But when I went in for my appointment with the doctor he was fairly certain that I did ovulate. So they took blood and two days later they asked that I go in again for more blood work, in case I ovulated late. A glimmer of hope and a sliver of maybe. But then nothing. Nada.
For me there is discomfort when I’m on Clomid, physically and emotionally. Bloating, lower back pain, and the pings that don’t stop, they are like constant reminders that something is trying to happen. Every pang and twinge is a promise that you will see your dream realized. It’s hard on your psyche to feel everything and not have the promise fulfilled. It’s hard not to think that it’s your fault that it’s not working. I know rationally that this is not within my control, as hard of a pill that is to swallow, but my heart aches.
We, Juanito and me, talk about the second baby. We plan for her and envision her in our lives. Yes, her because it’s not so much a secret that we really want a girl. We make plans for the future including her, like we will plan a trip to Disneyland when our second is old enough to enjoy it. We asked The Boy if he wants a baby. Sometimes he does and other times he is indifferent. Juanito talks about the second more than when we were trying for The Boy. I think Juanito feels there is an insurance that we'll get pregnant again since we did before. Its just a matter of time. But I can’t fully commit to this with Juanito. I feel like I stand with one foot in and another foot out. Precariously perched.
Sometimes I’m so scared of giving into the want of a second child. It’s as if I were to let go and believe that it were to happen, the crushing realization of nature saying NO will be too much for me to bear. So here I am straddling a fence between accepting what I have and wanting more. I am wordlessly and cautiously holding my heart out to the universe. Please see what is inside my heart and make it so.
Its A Monday Miracle
This morning when I finally decided to get out of bed I was pretty sure that things where gonna be hell. I didn't want to start the day, how was I going to gently persuade The Boy to do it?
But you know what? It happened. After almost ten minutes of telling him it was time to get up he finally made his eyes open and agreed to come down stairs to watch cartoons. He is not a morning person, much like his mom, so to make the transition easier we grease the morning wheels with cartoons. Once he was officially up, he got dressed and we even did his hair. The rest of the morning went just like clock work. When I told him to get his shoes he did right away and even put them on the right feet. He waited for me and then asked for his coat, which was needed since its was in the 60s (!) this morning. When I told him to get in the car he paused and I hesitated waiting for the meltdown to begin but he merely asked for a kiss first. Ahhh, my baby! My heart!
It was all, dare I say, easy breezy?
When we rolled up on daycare he claimed it as his which made me excited. The anxiety of a meltdown happening at any moment left me on edge the entire morning and when an obstacle was met without tears and yelling my excitement mounted. By the time he walked into his classroom and decline a hug (which is completely normal) I was a tremor of excitement. When I told him goodbye and he waved and said "Bye Mom" I'm pretty sure I floated out to the car on a cloud of maternal love and pride.
It was a fucking Monday Miracle!
But you know what? It happened. After almost ten minutes of telling him it was time to get up he finally made his eyes open and agreed to come down stairs to watch cartoons. He is not a morning person, much like his mom, so to make the transition easier we grease the morning wheels with cartoons. Once he was officially up, he got dressed and we even did his hair. The rest of the morning went just like clock work. When I told him to get his shoes he did right away and even put them on the right feet. He waited for me and then asked for his coat, which was needed since its was in the 60s (!) this morning. When I told him to get in the car he paused and I hesitated waiting for the meltdown to begin but he merely asked for a kiss first. Ahhh, my baby! My heart!
It was all, dare I say, easy breezy?
When we rolled up on daycare he claimed it as his which made me excited. The anxiety of a meltdown happening at any moment left me on edge the entire morning and when an obstacle was met without tears and yelling my excitement mounted. By the time he walked into his classroom and decline a hug (which is completely normal) I was a tremor of excitement. When I told him goodbye and he waved and said "Bye Mom" I'm pretty sure I floated out to the car on a cloud of maternal love and pride.
It was a fucking Monday Miracle!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Final Thoughts on Friday
So it’s been a crazy week. Between me being sick, Juanito being out of town for work, Halloween and The Boy being sick it’s been a week from hell. And I’m over loaded with anxiety.
We made a change in the daycare situation and all these changes to the schedule do not seem to be helping the transition. I’m overcome with guilt for having uprooted The Boy’s perfect little world. To make matters worse, he cried when we left him at daycare this morning. He has never cried when being left. Never. What is becoming of our self-confident little man?
Also I woke from a dead sleep this morning with the nagging fear that the latest round of Clomid won’t work. And not just that this dosage won’t work but that Clomid won’t work at all. Are we prepared to take the next step?
So needless to say I am looking forward to a weekend of very few plans. I need to soothe these frazzled nerves with quiet and calm. And a bottle of wine.
We made a change in the daycare situation and all these changes to the schedule do not seem to be helping the transition. I’m overcome with guilt for having uprooted The Boy’s perfect little world. To make matters worse, he cried when we left him at daycare this morning. He has never cried when being left. Never. What is becoming of our self-confident little man?
Also I woke from a dead sleep this morning with the nagging fear that the latest round of Clomid won’t work. And not just that this dosage won’t work but that Clomid won’t work at all. Are we prepared to take the next step?
So needless to say I am looking forward to a weekend of very few plans. I need to soothe these frazzled nerves with quiet and calm. And a bottle of wine.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
How Halloween Played Out
You know how every girl (I’m guessing since I have not spoken to every girl) wants to have her face cupped by the special someone and drawn in for a kiss? That’s what my son did to me this morning. I left him at his grandma’s house because he isn’t feeling well and when I asked him for a hug he actually obliged me. I thought I would push my luck and ask for a kiss too. I know, I know, asking for the moon AND the stars here! but that’s when he laid his hand on my cheek and puckered up. It was the sweetest thing. So sweet in fact you think, “eff it, I’m already late, who cares! Let’s get coffee!”
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| He rocked the trick or treating I tell ya! |
This is my little Lost Boy (think Peter Pan not the 80s classic with the Coreys and Kieffer). After the melt down to wear his pajamas to daycare the other day, I thought we’ll just go ahead and put him in his jammies. Juanito said to give him a bag of marbles and he would be a Lost Boy. Very fitting coming from the real life Peter Pan. We trick or treated with friends and he and another little girl kept time together. She was the cutest little bumble bee, although a little shy. So The Boy would do the knocking and talking and then quickly run back to the curb, she stayed for the people to make over her costume. They were a well oiled machine those two. And at the end of the evening he hugged her like I've never seen him hug someone his age. I would say its young love but A) I don't want to be that mom and B) she's like 6 months older than him...shes practically robbing the cradle.
But it was damn cute.
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